The Wheels on the Bus

Happy New Year! Is it obnoxious to say that in the middle of March? Probably. But seeing as how this is my first post of the New Year, I'm saying it...and besides, if you go by the Chinese lunar calendar (and you DO if you live in THIS city!), I'm only a month off. Chinese New Year started last month and it's the year of the "Horse". I'm always a little jealous of those who were born under the cool signs of the Chinese zodiac...you know, like the Horse, Dragon, and Tiger. Unlike me, I was born in the year of the "Pig". Really? The pig?

The Year of the Pig?? Thanks, China!

You feel my pain if you were born in the year of the rat, goat, or snake...There's nothing worse than going to a Chinese restaurant with friends where they have the paper zodiac place mats laid out so you can find your sign and everyone goes around the table exclaiming with excitement, "I'm a Tiger!" or "I'm a Rooster!"...and then it comes your turn and due to the embarrassment of it all, you can only blurt out, "Hey! Look! Dim Sum!" and wow them with your ability to use chopsticks. Chinese New Year is also the one time that us "round eyes" get to use the one Chinese phrase that we know, "Gung Ho Fat Choy!"...Supposedly it means, "Happy New Year", but the look of horror I receive from the locals in my neighborhood for even attempting to pronounce it correctly suggests that it means something completely different....Ok, enough about New Year, 2014, and the year of the uppity horse.

Tilt-A-Whirl that has seen better days

While waiting for my usual 48 bus one day, a thought dawned on me. Muni is a lot like a county fair. You go for the rides but you leave feeling disoriented, nauseated, smelling like a farm animal and with something inevitably stuck to the seat of your pants. There's also undoubtedly some evil clowns that are operating everything. You will also find people of all walks of life at both.
 Of course at a state fair, you'd probably find me eating my 3rd

helping of fried dough and contemplating whether or not the "Tilt-A-Whirl" is a good idea...Unless it was the Marin County fair, where you would be expected to be in the wine garden tasting the organic hand crafted gluten free cheeses. I've always been a "fried dough/Tilt-A-Whirl" kinda girl. I'm too broke to have dietary issues...ever see a lactose intolerant-gluten free-vegan worry about how they're gonna pay rent? No. And you probably never will. Who can afford to be lactose intolerant or have Celiac's disease?...Let's face it, if you live in San Francisco, you probably belong to the majority of us who are just trying to have enough money left over to buy the $10.99 bottle of "Clos du Bois" to bring to the dinner party so that you can avoid the embarrassment of showing up with "$2 Buck Chuck" from Trader Joes. There are, of course, the 3% of people who work for places like Twitter, Google, and Yahoo that account for the astronomical rents in the city and coffee shops charging $8 for a latte. Seriously. Eight dollars. In my experience, it has always felt like us against them....So serves them right if they have dietary issues. That's what they get for making rents in this city soar. When you look at our rents on paper, you would think that our dwellings are carved out of giant pieces of marble with solid gold fixtures where champagne flows freely out of the taps in every kitchen...and not the 400 square foot mold-infested leaky-ceiling windows painted shut-paper thin walls-mystery spots on the carpet-thermostat broken at 50 degrees amazing pads that we are all grateful to have...but I digress...

I heard he got a deal on this place. Only $2,200/month!

So it occurred to me that if you are not familiar with the Muni system and it's many vehicles, it can be quite confusing. We all know that MUNI gets you from point A to point B...eventually, and we know that the "wheels on the bus go round and round", but what do those other parts do? There isn't a cute little camp song written about the escape hatch on the bus! So I thought it might be helpful to go over them.

There are cable cars (not trolleys...that's what tourists call them!), buses, street cars, and light rail vehicles. Cable cars are primarily packed with tourists who wait for hours in line to see the cable cars turn around. Yes, turn around. They are one of the things that San Francisco is famous for. Heck, they even made it onto the Rice-A-Roni box...you know, "Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat". Trust

Treat?! My ass!

me, if you've ever eaten Rice-A-Roni, you would know that no city would ever claim it as a "treat"...especially when we have things like sourdough bread, clam chowder, crabs, chocolate, and amazing wines here. Who in their right mind thought up that genius marketing strategy?! I could see it being the "treat" of some place like Fresno or Akron, Ohio...but San Francisco?! PUHLEEZE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzOR_Fal_SY
The cable cars are pretty simple in that you hop on and either get a seat, or stand on the foot rail and hold on to a pole for dear life. You may have a conductor ask you to pay, you may not. The conductors are characters and try to outdo each other with their bell ringing. There's even an annual bell ringing contest. Now, as much as I loathe tourists, I love a good cable car ride! It's a little like a roller coaster, you're out in the fresh air, and there are a lot of people (tourists) oohing and ahhing at the scenery. Here's a "pro tip" for anyone considering a cable car ride...if you walk up two blocks to the next stop from where the tourists are waiting in line, you can just hop right on. Also, if you have a regular Muni pass, they usually won't make you pay the $5 to ride...they know a local when they see one!

Bus connected to overhead wires

Now buses are known by numbers (and nicknames) to us locals...There's the "Dirty-Eight" (38), the "Always Late 28", the "14 Crime Scene" (also known as the 14 Mission Impossible), the "Double Doo-Doo" (22), and the "Mothball Express"...which is used to describe pretty much ANY bus (especially if it ends up near Chinatown). The majority of buses are powered by overhead power lines that seem to loom over every major thoroughfare in the city.
You get used to them, but every once in a while, you'll notice them and feel like you are stuck under a spider web...and you'll inevitably envision what would happen if one of those overhead cables just snapped. We all do it. Yes, it's morbid, but you can't

Spiderweb of Muni wires

This is why you DO NOT touch anything!

help it. There are a few buses that are run by "biodiesel". And while I commend the city for using alternative fuels, these buses smell like the drive through of a Popeye's Chicken. You smell it, you want chicken, but by the time you get home all you have is a greasy bag full of disappointment. The buses are also the dirtiest of all Muni modes of transportation. As I've mentioned in previous posts, just when you think you have seen it all on Muni, you're reminded that you haven't. Not even close. I've seen everything from live chickens, hypodermic needles, condoms, pregnancy tests, food, clothes, to a drunk guy pee his pants on Muni. It's just an unwritten rule that you try not to touch ANYTHING if you can help it! But alas, you are constantly reminded by the overhead recording warning you to "please hold on". Now if you are lucky enough to get a seat, you are probably good to go hands free. But if you are like the hundreds of others who are forced to stand together like teenage girls at a Justin Bieber concert...you know...smooshed together, smelling of B.O. and crying...all while straining to hear a recorded voice...you have two choices. One, hold on to a bar--or two, hold on to a strap. There is a third option which would be to hold on to a person next to you, but I wouldn't recommend it. Now a bar can at least be wiped down...and I tell myself (over and over so that maybe I'll believe) that yes, they do in fact wipe them down EVERY day. However, there is the strap.

The strap

The strap is a black nylon loop that hangs down from the bar that is apparently a God send for shorter people...and a petri dish on a string if you ask me. There is NO WAY those can be cleaned thoroughly. I think in 13 years, I have held on to the strap twice...and that was when I was naive and hadn't been exposed to YEARS of Muni nastiness. Besides, at my height, there's really no need to EVER touch a strap.

The escape hatch

Escape option #2

Now once on the bus, you will no doubt start plotting ways to escape should a spontaneous fire break out...or if the guy in the back of the bus decides to whip out a machete. It happens. I've seen it...(the machete, not the fire). So there is an "escape hatch" for lack of a better word. It's usually pushed partly open on really warm days to help circulate air and rid the bus of the halitosis that at least TWO people will have on ANY given bus ride. Now the only problems with the escape hatch (as I see them) are 1. If you have a big fat ass like me, you will end up wearing a bus around your waist as you would never be able to squeeze through that hole and 2. If you are shorter than six feet tall, you will have to either shimmy up a pole or step on the shoulders of the person next to

Plastic glove dispenser?

you in order to reach the hatch. Along with the hatch, there are windows that you are supposed to be able to pop out...good luck with that. While there are signs on the windows informing you where to sit on the bus, there is no clear sign as to how to escape through the window, aside from a red handle that says "pull in an emergency". You will also notice in the picture, that there is a container attached to the window with a sign that says, "take one". One what, exactly?! A brochure explaining how to operate the windows in an emergency? A seat cover like in a public restroom? (Hey! I may have something there!). At the VERY least, it could be a pair of "one size fits most" plastic gloves...You know, like the kind that come in the boxed hair color that's supposed to make you look like Angelina Jolie, but in reality it makes you look like Eunice from Mama's Family?? Yeah, those would be perfect.

The signal button to stop

The dreaded back door!

There's also the dilemma of how to signal the bus driver to stop at your stop. You could be one of those chatty riders who sit in the reserved seats up front and strike up a loud conversation with the driver letting him know that you just got out of rehab, your court date is next week and you have to go get drug tested before you go. The driver will automatically know where your stop is...after all, you're probably not the first person he's had this conversation with. Or you could pull the cord that hangs next to the window...the same cord that every germy little kid has pulled..or if you're on one of the newer buses, you have the option of pushing a button...again, the same button that every snot nosed kid has pushed. If you are like me, you can simply wait and hope that some other rider is getting off at the same stop and let them push the button...or simply stand up and walk to the front of the bus and say, "next stop please". Again, the less touching, the better. Now I know that you are supposed to exit via the back door, but the back door on Muni is notorious for giving people problems. This is because there are a variety of ways to operate the back door, depending on which model of bus you are on. There is the "step down" version, which opens the door once you step down onto the back steps. There is the "touch here to operate back door" version, which again...EVERY person using that back door has touched. There's also the back door that is operated by the driver...and if he doesn't see that you are trying to exit via the back door, means you (and at least 3 other people on the bus) have to yell, "BACK DOOOOR!!!!"...with as much anger as you can possibly muster...and may I remind you that yelling "BACK DOOOOR!" in this city could mean something COMPLETELY different! There's nothing worse than trying to stifle a giggle as an inexperienced rider yells "BACK DOOOOR!". Now you understand why I use the front door. The only drawback with the front door is that the driver will usually assume that you have some sort of affliction that requires you to exit via the front door and they will proceed with lowering the front end of the bus. This is called "kneeling" the bus and results in that awful "beep. beep. beep." sound that you associate with large trucks backing up. So immediately, everyone within a 2 block radius is going to stop what they are doing and stare in your direction. That's fine. They can stare. I just tell them that I have "MUNI-phobia", which is the fear of touching ANYTHING on MUNI...or I just turn around and walk backwards and then there is no question as to why things are beeping.

Colorful street cars

Ok, so now that we've covered the buses, we can talk about the street cars. Now if you ever saw a street car here in San Francisco, you would assume it was a train of some sort...and you wouldn't be wrong. The odd thing about the street cars is that they are on the street (well, primarily only Market Street and the Embarcadero) when they look like they should be either above ground on a railroad track, or under ground...well, technically there are railroad tracks built into the street and technically they have  gone underground before...heck, I've even seen one wayyyy out by my house! The thing about street cars is that some look like vintage buses, some like vintage trains, and some like wooden boats. Yep, boats. The street cars are fun because they are brightly colored and most are restored Italian street cars from years gone by. The interior is also vintage...meaning the seats are smaller, some interiors are wooden, and the doors fold up accordion style at each stop. So you always feel like you're taking a trip back in time through Florence or Rome, except without worrying about "Johnny Walnuts" trying to shake you down for $20 you lost betting at the race track. The street cars run primarily on what is known as the "F-line". I like to think they named it the F-line because if you are in a hurry to go anywhere, you DO NOT take the F-line or you will be "F'd". It runs from the Castro to Fisherman's Wharf, and if you ask some of the old locals, they will say it's called the "F-line" because it runs from "f@gs to fishes". It's also FULL of tourists who think they are "riding with the locals" once they hop on. Trust me, if you're a local the ONLY  time you have ever been on the F-line is if 1. You get suckered into it by your out of town relatives who come to visit and think it looks so fun and "quaint" or 2. All other underground MUNI trains break down and you need to get to your usual train stop on Market and you're forced to leave the underground, walk to the nearest stop, and pile on with the rest of the tourists and late for work locals.

Inside the train

The Transformer-like steps

Ok, this brings us to the light rail vehicles or LRVs or "trains" as the locals call them. The trains are a bit confusing because they go both underground and above ground. What's even more confusing is that the Muni trains and  the BART trains are in the same station...So you're either headed to the Sunset or the Oakland Airport if you don't know where the hell you are going. Now one of most perplexing things to wrap your head around is that when the train is underground, it is often times operated by a computer...and all you can think is great, my life's in the hands of a TRS-80. Because given how often MUNI updates it equipment, there's no way that it would be a Mac-Pro. Trains driven by computers? Yes. Welcome to the future. We don't have hoverboards yet, but we can drive a train with a computer in a straight line! So that brings us to what happens when the train comes out of the underground tunnel and onto the street? Well, like some sort of smelly transformer, the stairs in the train go from being flat (platform level underground) to lowering into steps that lead to the street

Do what the sign says!

level. It really is a thing of amazing mechanical engineering. The first time you see it, it will blow your mind...and to be standing on that part of the floor when it actually starts to lower will give you a minor heart attack. Now the other thing that will blow your mind about these trains is that the middle of the train is kind of "bendy" (for lack of a better word) it is constructed of these vinyl panels so that it can bend around street corners. I affectionately call that part of the train the Hurl-A-Whirl...it's the bastard cousin to the Tilt-A-Whirl...it seems like a fun place to ride, but you will end up losing your lunch...or a finger as the sign says. To give you an idea of what it looks like, here is a picture of that part of the train:

The Hurl-A-Whirl

Now it all looks well and good with a nice waist-level bar to hold on to, but do NOT be deceived. This is the place of last resort. This is the place you go to when all other seats and standing room have been taken. The one positive...and I stress ONE...is that when standing here, you don't have anyone behind you and don't have to worry about someone hitting you with their obnoxiously oversized back pack or some creeper "accidentally" brushing against your backside. Now, the reason that this is the place of last resort is that the hurl factor triples when standing in this space. It's bad enough that any of the sights and smells on MUNI might be enough to test your gastrointestinal fortitude, but add motion to that and it's all over. Just to get an idea of how much it moves, here's a short video:

Barfy, isn't it? It doesn't look that drastic, but when you're crammed in there with a bunch of hot sweaty people and some idiot decides to "crop dust" the entire car, you will become keenly aware of how much it moves. I'm proud to say that after my many years of riding the rails, I have only physically lost it one time....and much to the delight of the other passengers, I managed to scramble down the stairs and "yell at Ralph" right into some bushes. In my defense, I had just come from the eye doctor and my eyes were dilated making me dizzy....which brings me right back to my Tilt-A-Whirl days. If only there were some fried dough somewhere to make the MUNI ride worth it.

It makes the barfiness worth while.

Your SAM:








Thank you for riding MUNI,
Yours Truly