The Yuletide can be quite creepy (and no I'm not talking about that drunk uncle that tried to make a pass at you during last year's ball drop on New Year's Eve). Creepy, you ask? Yes, creepy! Even the Christmas carol that the buskers are singing in the MUNI stations are creepy! For example, "...He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake..." So Santa is a stalker now?! The worst is that date rape song. Yes, I said "date rape"! You know the one! Let me refresh your memory...it's usually sung as a duet between a man and a woman (although two cute gay boys just sang it on Glee last week). Here it goes: "I simply must go...(Baby, it's cold outside). The answer is no...(Ooh baby, it's cold outside).....My mother will start to worry...(Hey, beautiful, what's your hurry) My sister will be suspicious...(Man, your lips look so delicious)...Well maybe just a half a drink more...(Put some music on while I pour)...The neighbors might think...(Baby, it's bad out there)...Say, what's in this drink.... SEE?!?! Sounds like date rape to me! I could go on and on about that one!
So, as if creepy carols weren't bad enough...I've come up with my own MUNI version of the 12 Days of Christmas. And in keeping with the theme of this blog, it was derived from mere observation...and it will never be as bad that date rape song. I hope you enjoy:
On the twelfth day of Christmas MUNI sent to me:
12. Bums Bumming
11. Potheads Puffing
10.Teens a Yelling
9. Gay Boys Prancing
8. Cell Phones Ringing
7. Schizos Swearing
6. Thugs Not Paying
5. Delayed Trains
4. Stalling Buses
3. French Tourists
2. Terrible Drivers
and an Asian Guy Fast Asleep!
Now I like gifts just like any other girl and I try not to focus on all of the material crap, so when it came to my MUNI wish list for Santa, I tried to be practical and think of others first...and seeing as how this is my first MUNI wish list, I wasn't exactly sure about etiquette. I mean do I send this to the North Pole or to the Mayor's office? Do I leave out cookies and milk? After all eating and drinking is prohibited on all MUNI vehicles! Is there a stocking that I need to hang somewhere?? I mean, I have seen random socks on buses and a stray shoe on the platform before, but would Santa even find a stocking if I hung it on a bus or train? Chances are, someone would steal it before Santa even knew it was there! And would Santa even know what I was talking about? After all, he's got flying reindeer. What the hell would he know about sleeping Asian guys, rotting food left on a seat, or stalling buses on his commute?! I mean besides Akron, Ohio the filthiest place he's ever been is in a chimney! Ok, so here goes my MUNI wish list for Santa (assuming that I am on the "Nice List" this year!):
Dear Santa,
I've been REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY good this year, and therefore I would like to request the following (assuming that you just have them laying around in your toy shop and that you don't have creepy elves like the ones in that T-Mobile commercial who wouldn't have the slightest idea on how to come through with what I've requested):
A MUNI vehicle that arrives when it should with a nice competent English speaking driver and a comfortable seat with plenty of leg room next to a nice normal person who smells good and doesn't try to make conversation with you or listen to their iPod at decibels that even Marlee Matlin can hear- (Really, this is all anyone wants when they ride MUNI)
This would sure beat the hair crimper that you gave me last year.
Happy Holidays and thank you for riding MUNI!
Yours Truly
Maybe Santa has been on MUNI after all?!?!
Your SAM:
