Al Pacino

So as I had mentioned in my first post, it's really the people that make each MUNI experience unique. Just to be clear, when I say "people", that encompasses everyone from the drivers, fellow riders, neighbors who wait at the bus stop, the buskers playing their instruments in the stations, and any animals that may make their way onto MUNI. Yes, animals.

In my 10 years of riding MUNI, I have shared rides with everything from dogs, cats, birds, rats, live crabs, and chickens. Yes, chickens! While dogs are acceptable as long as they are wearing a muzzle and have paid the $2 fare, other animals are not...which never seems to stop people from bringing the whole pet menagerie on board. Several years ago before San Francisco banned the sale of livestock at the Chinese markets, I was riding the 31 Stockton bus through Chinatown to North Beach. At the time I was working as a nanny (and hating my life!) and this was the most direct, albeit frustrating, route to take to work. Let me set the scene....Chinatown in San Francisco is the largest on the West coast and the second largest behind New York City's Chinatown. It is full of designer knock-off handbags where, for example, you can buy a Coach purse...only it will say "Cooch", and heck for $20 who cares? It is also full of 10 cent tchotchkes (look it up! Urban Dictionary defines it as "a small piece of worthless crap"...I couldn't have said it better myself!) that were made in (you guessed it) China! It is also overrun with Asian people coming from and going to the market. So at any given time at any given bus stop on Stockton, there will be a sea of short black-haired folks with pink plastic bags (everything in Chinatown seems to come with one) pushing, shoving, elbowing, and downright fighting to get on board. Now I played college basketball, and I'll be damned if the best "box out" I ever received wasn't from a 4' 9" octogenarian Asian woman! Literally, you would think that every bus is the last one to or from China! But I digress...So my bus pulls up to a stop on Stockton, and there seemed to be a ruckus coming from the front of the bus. It was apparent that the driver was not going to let someone on. There was indecipherable bickering back and forth when finally the driver announces, "You are not bringing a live chicken on my bus!"...which was followed by the woman holding her chicken by the legs and several swift thuds of her wailing it against the side of the bus until it was no longer "alive". Problem solved.

So to make my trips more entertaining, I like to assign people random names. These are usually the same people that I see at my bus stop everyday or that I encounter on the train on my ride home. For example, there is a little old frumpy lady who lives a block up from me. She is probably 60, but dresses like she is 80 and always has a winter coat on and lipstick on her teeth. She's very sweet and chatty and wears orthopedic shoes. One morning she wasn't at the bus stop, and our usual driver actually asked me, "Hey, where's Aunt Bea?". And so you have it...Aunt Bea. There's also a Russian neighbor who is a mathematician for Kaiser Permanente. He REEKS like garlic. Morning or afternoon. Garlic. Therefore, I have named him "The Garlic Ruskie". There's also Hello Kitty, Captain Stubing, and a woman I just call "Angie" because she is a dead ringer for a former co-worker of mine whose name was Angie. I'm sure you will hear more about them in later posts.

Being a dog lover, I always get a kick out of seeing dogs on MUNI. As I'm waiting for the bus this morning, this woman comes to the bus stop with her cute black and white puppy on a leash...not sure of the breed. Could have been a Cocker Spaniel, but was lower to the ground and had curly fur. It was obvious they were going to get on the bus. It was also obvious that this woman was going to ignore the muzzle policy. Now as I was saying, I like to assign names to my fellow riders...that includes dogs. I love a good dog name. Personally, I think it's hilarious when pets have people names like "Steve" or "Walter". So looking at this puppy, I had already decided that it's owner had probably named it something predictable like "Lucky", "Bandit" or "Pepper". So imagine my surprise when the bus pulls up and the driver says, "Your little friend is going to need a muzzle and you're going to have to pay two dollars for your little friend." The woman begrudgingly put the muzzle on her dog and paid the fare. She settled in next to me and as I reached out to pat her dog I said, "What's his name?". "Al Pacino", she replied. Of course it is. So I "said hello to her little friend". Seriously? Al Pacino? Why didn't I think of that?

Thank you for riding MUNI,

Yours Truly

Here is your SAM of the week:

True Colors

So those of us who live here in San Francisco pretty much know that MUNI runs this city! With over 686,000 riders a day, if something goes wrong we're all screwed. This means forget about arriving to work on time. Your boss may look at his watch when you walk in late, and you only need utter, "MUNI" and all is forgiven. It's just an unwritten rule that "MUNI" is the universally accepted excuse any time you are running late, no matter the time of day or what you may be late for. In the evening this also means forget about those dinner plans you had, picking your kids up from daycare, walking the dog, running errands, etc...You are now in a game of Amazing Race/Survivor where you must figure out how to get where you're going and outwit, outplay, and outlast the other 685,999 riders.

If you're not familiar with how the underground trains run in San Francisco, it is quite simple: one way into downtown, and one way out. That is, only one rail in either direction. So a breakdown six stops from where you are could bring your commute to a screeching halt. This just happened to be the case last night. There were no trains moving in either direction between downtown and the Castro St. station. Every once in a blue moon (or maybe every lunar eclipse since it just so happens to coincide with my story), all hell will break loose and the entire system of underground trains will shut down. That's right, SHUT DOWN! Without warning, reason, or alternative solution...those of us who depend on MUNI to get from point A to point B are left to our own devices to figure out the path of least resistance home...or at least the path of less aggravation.

Now most of you would think, why not just take a cab? When these complete shutdowns occur, cabs become as scarce as an Ivory-Billed Woodpecker (look it up!). Not only are they impossible to find, but the $30 cab fare on top of my $62 monthly MUNI pass is out of the question. So the only options are walking (and let's be real..with these hills? That's not gonna happen!), taking a bus above ground, or succumbing to whatever "alternative" the fine folks at MUNI have come up with. With all trust in MUNI shot at this point, I decided to go it alone and wait for a bus. Waiting for a bus means standing on Market St. with throngs of other people in the afternoon chill and trying to force myself onto an already overcrowded vehicle. Have you ever seen pictures/video from third world countries where there will be like 86 people piled into the back of a truck with people actually sitting on the roof and others holding onto the rear bumper for dear life? Well, it's the same concept on a larger scale. All dignity, politeness, and humanity go right out the window!

So, I'm waiting for the #71L bus. The "L" stands for "Limited" which means it makes fewer stops between downtown and its final destination. You could also call it the "express" bus, but not last night. No. Last night the "L" could have stood for "Lame", "Lazy", or most likely "LOST"! I waited about 50 minutes for the #71L bus that should have come in 3 minutes and never arrived! Oh sure, there were plenty of other buses (see the picture below where there are buses backed up as far as the eye can see), just none that make the arduous hour long trip to the Outer Sunset where I live. The Outer Sunset is exactly what it sounds like...waaaayyyyy out there where the sun sets!

Finally, after much waiting and baring the cold wind I decided to give in and take the MUNI "alternative" which was a shuttle bus from downtown to the Castro St. station. As the shuttle bus approached, I jockeyed for position closest to where the door would open so that I might have a chance to get on board. Once the doors slammed opened, the following exchange took place:

• ME: "Driver, are you going to the Castro?"
• DRIVER: "Where are you trying to go?"
• ME: "Home....to West Portal/Outer Sunset"
• DRIVER: "Well I'm only going as far as the Castro and then you will need to transfer". 
• ME: "Transfer to what? The train or another bus?"
• DRIVER: "UGH...the TRAIN!"
• ME: "I thought the trains were down"
• DRIVER: "They are."
• ME: "How am I going to get on a train if they are DOWN?!?!"
• DRIVER: "They are running from Castro outbound".
• DRIVER: "You can't get on a train down here because they are down and so you need to get on the shuttle bus"
• ME: "That's what I'm trying to DO! OBVIOUSLY I know the trains are DOWN...There's a million people on the street and I've been waiting over an HOUR for a bus!! OBVIOUSLY  no one would ever CHOOSE to wait that long in the cold for something that doesn't come!"

Yes, I unleashed on the driver...I know he's the messenger and that he has a job to do. I know that it wasn't his fault that the whole system got shut down. I know he was probably as tired of repeating the same answer over and over to weary passengers as I was tired of waiting...However, at that moment he was MUNI. I stomped down the aisle and tried to avoid the whispers and sideways glances of my fellow passengers and settled into an empty seat. I put my headphones on (to deter any and all freaks from approaching me) and as if my iPod was picking the perfect song to be a soundtrack for my life at that moment, Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors" started playing. Yes, Cyndi, you (and everyone on the bus) saw my "true colors shining through". Thanks for the guilt trip. I'm not proud of it, Cyndi. But sometimes after a 2 hour and 15 min. commute, "girls just wanna get home"!

Yours Truly


Almost forgot....Here is this week's SAM (Sleeping Asian Man)...enjoy!

Sleeping Asian Men

It is a fact that nearly every Asian man I have ever seen on a MUNI bus or train has been asleep. Yes, even those who are standing up are doing so with their eyes closed. Believe me, I get it...I would relish a trip on the train if I could get in a little snooze now and then, but I'm not taking a chance at missing my stop, missing the weirdos that I could be people-watching, or having my bag stolen....as we are constantly reminded by the overhead announcements of, "while riding MUNI, please keep track of purses and wallets at all times".

Apparently, Asian Men have an uncanny ability to know exactly where they are at all times (even while sleeping) and can spring wide awake when the train pulls up to their stop. Maybe they learn it as children (as most Asian kids on the train are sleeping too) or maybe it's some kind of meditative martial arts?? Asian women on the other hand, well...let's just save that for another post. Anyway, sleeping Asian men are so prevalent on MUNI that I have decided to make them a weekly feature on my blog; that is post a picture of the "Weekly Sleeping Asian Man" (See below)

As you can clearly see, he is definitely sleeping as demonstrated by his open mouth...and the drool that would coincidentally land on his hand...ewww, yes, I know it's gross but so is MUNI.

So it would probably surprise you to hear that I actually had an encounter with an Asian man in the MUNI station yesterday...and he was awake. Granted, we were both off of the train and on the escalator, but it's still MUNI...Anyway, I'm on the escalator standing to the right (as is proper city etiquette) to let those in a hurry fly past on the left and run up the escalator...and I feel someone staring at me from behind. Now, being 6'3" I am definitely no stranger to people staring at me. However, I wasn't in Oakland, so I knew there was no chance of someone staring at my booty...I digress...I turned around and there (on what should have been the courtesy empty step between me and the person behind me) was this ANCIENT Asian man with a toothless grin giving me the "thumbs up" signal and gesturing with his hand in reference to my height. "SOOOO TAAAARR" he exclaimed...which translates to "SOOOO TAAALL". So I gave him the friendly head nod, took a step forward to give me some space, and silently wished that he would just go to sleep.

Thank you for riding MUNI,
Yours Truly

And so it begins...

Well, friends...you asked for it and here it is. This has been a loooooong time coming (mostly because I'm technologically challenged and anything more than email or Facebook hurts my brain), but I'm hoping it will be worth the wait. Obviously, being my first post, I have no freaking clue what I'm doing. I don't read blogs, let alone WRITE one! What I CAN tell you is that I'm planning on sharing all of my wonderful, weird, sad but true MUNI stories with you and will do my best to include photos (when I have the balls to take them)...

After 10 years of living in this most amazing city, I have spent countless hours riding the rails and waiting at bus stops for the next train or bus to get me from point A to point B and places in between. Many of you have seen my Facebook updates and have been asking me for years to put something like this together, so this is for you!

Expect to read updates of my daily commute, share in my frustration, fascination, rants and stories of the people I share my rides with....they are really what it's all about. Let me also tell you...there are some true characters who can only be found in San Francisco!

For those of you who have never had the pleasure (and in most cases, DISpleasure) of riding MUNI and find yourself asking, "What's a MUNI?" (and pronouncing it Moo-knee or Money), well it is the wonderful and supposedly "best public transit system in the world" only found in San Francisco. Oh, and it is pronounced Mew-knee. Coincidentally, Mew Knee, will probably be the name of your driver should you ever pay the $2 fare and hop on board.

Thank you for riding MUNI,
Yours Truly

For more on MUNI: http://www.sfmta.com/cms/ahome/indxabmu.htm