The End of the World

Well here we are at the end of 2012. What a year it has been and for all we know, it could be the last one...assuming you believe all of that "hoo-ha" about the Mayan calendar and the world ending on Friday. Lately, I do have to say, it does seem like the end is near if you take into account recent events...Superstorm Sandy, Newtown, fiscal cliffs, and Lindsey Lohan portraying Liz Taylor. It's hard to sit down and write a post for a silly little blog when I'm not feeling so silly or optimistic about the state of the world.  I think of all those people who have experienced tremendous loss and my heart aches for them. That being said, as a sometimes stand-up comedian, I have always found that laughter is the best medicine for me and that most humor originates from a dark place...be it grief, humiliation, frustration, tragedy, or anger...and that the show must go on. It has to go on...just like those Muni trains will keep rolling through the station whether you're there or not...

If you do happen  to buy into the Doomsday theories and have begun to stockpile toilet paper and grow your own grain via hydroponics and solar power, I'm more than happy to "watch" your house, car, belongings, and any extra money that you won't be needing while you're living underground with your gas masks on. Just to make sure that you are prepared and haven't forgotten anything (like switching all of your currency to silver and boning up on your zombie counter-attack moves), here's a short quiz to find out how long you will last after the apocalypse. You're welcome! http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/channel/doomsday-preppers/interactives/how-prepped-are-you1/ 

Who cares that he drinks his own urine? He's HOTT!

According to this quiz, I should be able to hold on for about 2 weeks. Here's why I know that is completely false...one word...MUNI! After 11 years of being a patron of public transportation, I have learned survival skills that would make Bear Grylls jealous. Now mind you, I have never had to drink my own urine to survive on Muni, but I guarantee you that SOMEONE has! But who cares, Bear Grylls is so hot that I could (and I have) watched hour-long episodes of him drinking his own urine and eating elephant dung just to survive...but I digress! 

Back to my Muni survival skills...I know what it's like to be stuck underground with an angry mob. Nothing will kick your fight or flight instincts into high gear faster than being stuck underground on a train for 45 minutes on the opening day of the World Series with an angry mob of Giants fans clad in orange and black. All of them clamoring to get home or to the nearest TV to watch their beloved home team...all without cell phone reception! I seriously had visions of one of them tying up the train operator and taking matters into their own hands.

I have also learned some hand-to-hand combat maneuvers such as how to throw a wicked elbow, "accidentally" stomp on someone's toe, and how to land an effective hip check to a little elderly Asian woman who would have literally beat me to the punch! (Pun totally intended!)

And chemical warfare? Not a problem! Once you have experienced the "Mothball Express" that is the 31-Balboa, the 22 (also known as the Twenty-Poo!), ANY Mission bound bus on a hot day, the skunky-for-medicinal-purposes-only stinky weed smell wafting through the 71-Haight, or the crop-dusting fart smell that always seems to find me on the L-Taraval...you can survive anything that a Mayan apocalypse might throw your way!

I've made a little list of proof positive reasons why the world will NOT be ending on Friday. Again, you're welcome!

Cookie or Mayan calendar??!

1. Because a reversal of the magnetic poles would not be catastrophic. So the magnets fall of your fridge and Santa now lives in the South Pole. He could stand some sun if you ask me! All those years in the snow, his pasty white body is definitely in need of some Vitamin D.
2. An increase in sunspot activity in 2012 will not have a particularly detrimental effect on the planet...just ask any orange-tinged cast member of the Jersey Shore!
3. There is no massive black hole making its way through the solar system on a collision course with Earth...unless you count Tyler Perry...Big. Black. And sucks...Just sayin'. C'mon! Have you SEEN Madea?!?
4. Because Nostradamus never picked 2012 as the end date. Now while he DID predict the whole "Gagnum Style" craze, (according to a local conspiracy theorist), there was no mention of the end coming in 2012. And we all know that Doomsday is small potatoes compared to a YouTube video of a little Asian guy dancing like a horse...(Apparently Nostradamus never rode the 30-Stockton, where you can see this sort of thing on a daily basis!)
5. Because '2012' was a movie, people...and movies aren't real! As much as my 16 year old self would have loved to have been saved by John Cusack blasting "In Your Eyes" through a boom box, it ain't gonna happen! The proof is in the pudding given that all of the other apocalyptic prophecies portrayed by Hollywood have never come to fruition...ie: The invading Russians in "Red Dawn", the cyborg assassins in "Terminator", the alien invasion in "Independence Day", world domination by computers in "The Matrix" (although Apple made me think long and hard about this one!), a zombie plague in "I Am Legend", the existence of hoverboards (which isn't apocalyptic, but would be really cool!) in "Back to the Future II"...this could go on forever. So if Hollywood suggests it, don't trust it! Unless they are talking about a remake of "ALF"... I would totally trust that!
6. A cloud of negative energy will NOT engulf the solar system. Wow! A dark cloud with an attitude? (Again, Tyler Perry??) This sounds suspiciously like a Star Trek episode or a typical Thursday night commute on Muni. Dark energy is all around us, and it's not packaged into a neat little cloud shape. It's more like an angry little Asian woman shape.
7. Lastly, what did those Mayans know? They couldn't predict that the Spaniards were coming to wipe them out, but we're trusting them with predicting OUR demise?!?! Besides, have you ever seen  a Mayan calendar? It looks like the outside of an Oreo cookie, and who doesn't love Oreos?!

I hope as we look to 2013 that good things are on the way...The Central Subway is in the works, the 49ers are looking strong heading into the playoffs, the housing market is turning around, they opened a Ghirardelli Chocolate store right across from my office, and we get to see the train wreck of both Nicki Minaj AND Mariah Carey on American Idol this season! And if I was wrong about the end of the world, at least I'll be at my company holiday party with an open bar...and really, who wouldn't want an open bar on Doomsday?! That being said, with all that alcohol, I'm sure I'll be praying for the end of the world on Saturday morning!

Thank you for riding Muni, Happy Holidays, and see you (hopefully) in 2013!

Yours Truly

His hair looks so...ummm....natural?

Here's the last SAM of 2012: