The OWL

Golden Gate Bridge from Baker Beach

Eleven years ago this week, I quit my job, gave away my cat, sold everything I owned, packed up two suitcases, crammed into a friend's Ford Escort, left everything (and everyone) behind, put Cleveland in the rear view mirror and headed west. Filled with excitement and wonder at the unknown of moving to a new city without a job or a place to live, and aware of the evils of the world as September 11th occurred while I was at a stop over in Aspen, I landed in San Francisco...the City by the Bay. The most beautiful city I have ever laid eyes on. As long as I live, I will never forget that first drive over the Bay Bridge into the City. I have to say, these years spent here have been good to me...and though rent is astronomically high, homeless people poop freely on the street, you can't find a good lobster roll anywhere and you can see naked people at almost every public event, I have to say I LOVE YOU SAN FRANCISCO! For all of the craziness, it has been worth it! For along with the crazy I get to see whales breaching just off shore, experience the amazing cultural diversity and "live and let live" attitude, and have access to the best food and shopping a girl could ask for. I feel like it is because of all of these years and experiences that I can now call myself a "local". If you're ever in San Francisco, and you want the real "local experience", I invite you to forgo the trip to Fisherman's Wharf and take a trip on MUNI...it's all the "local" you could ever want!

"X"

Speaking of "local", there's one glaring example that comes to mind....

So when you think of an owl, what do think of? There are many feathered fowl that come to mind. For example, who remembers the owl from Mr. Rogers? He was a friendly (albeit flakey) owl from the Land of Make Believe. He was always eager to learn new things and he idolized Benjamin Franklin (and what owl doesn't?). He also worked for Cornflake S. Pecially, but would always try to sell things that the company didn't offer. What a flake! Not to mention that his name is "X". X the Owl. Seriously?? Unless your first name is Malcolm, it just reads as, "wanna be porn star". And he does live next door to Henrietta Pussycat and has Fred's hand up his backside most of the time...so you do the math...just sayin'.

Shit starting Owl

Then there is Owl from Winnie the Pooh. Now while he is considered the smartest resident of the Hundred Acre Wood, that's not saying much. He tends to ramble a lot and his self-proclaimed "wisdom" is questionable as he misread notes from Christopher Robin on two different occasions causing much drama to Pooh and the rest. He's a bit of a shit starter, really.

Tootsie Roll Pop Owl

Then there is my favorite, The Tootsie Roll Pop owl. What's not to love? He's obviously educated...we know he can count to at least three and he's wearing a mortarboard for crying out loud. That has to give him some cred when it comes to being a "wise old owl", right?  And he's wearing glasses. That automatically means that he's smart. Granted, he is kind of a dick because he did bite right into that Tootsie Pop after 3 licks. But who could blame him? It's a TOOTSIE POP! Besides, that kid was dumb. Why couldn't he just count the licks himself? Why give your candy away to an owl? Judge for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jhjb4P_jnKk

So what do these owls have to do with MUNI? Well, should you find yourself burning the midnight oil, attending an AC/D-She concert, or out boozing it up late one night, you might find yourself in quite the dilemma of how to get home. Now while we tend to think of MUNI as operating all day all the time 24/7, please be advised that this is not so! In the wee hours of the morning between 1-5am, MUNI goes from approximately 80 routes down to just 10! That's an 1/8 of the normal service for those of you keeping track. This early morning service is called, The Owl. I have no idea who gave it this name or why. Possibly because owls are nocturnal and maybe the only birds awake during these hours or possibly because owls eat their prey and then barf up the bones, fur, and everything else they can't digest...Yes! That must be it! At least that sounds like something that could happen on MUNI. I really have no idea. It definitely has nothing to do with MUNI being "wise"...because if you have ever had to make the bad decision of waiting for and taking the owl, you know it is definitely not a "wise" decision!  

After the MUNI light rail stations close, the streetcars and light rails are replaced by above-ground buses...MUNI likes to call them "motor coaches"...as if calling them something fancier than what they actually are will make them any less disgusting. Between the hours of 1-5am, The Owl is packed full of every tipsy college frat boy trying to desperately hook up with someone, drunk college girls flashing their bits because their mini skirts are too short, people drunk calling/dialing/texting...as well as every homeless person looking for 4 solid hours of sleep out of the cold. Throw in a few drag queens, lost tourists, and a some grouchy bleary-eyed people getting off work from the night shift, and that is your typical Owl crowd. MUNI's own website describes The Owl service as "sparse" and claims that the "motor coaches"will "approximately duplicate" the streetcar service. Yeah. Right.

So once the reality sets in that a cab ride to the Sunset will cost you $30 and you've spent your last $20 on a late night burrito and a decaf latté and everyone you know who has a car is fast asleep or passed out somewhere...your slightly intoxicated brain succumbs to the bad idea of waiting for The Owl. The wait for The Owl can be just as horrific as actually riding The Owl. For example, after a lovely late night with friends I recently found myself in the predicament of  having to take The Owl. First came the 12 block stumble from North Beach down to Market Street past bars and all night Asian restaurants...with a stop in some random ally to pee. Yes, pee. It's 1:00am. Where else are you gonna go? The all night Asian restaurant? I'll pass. Once we hit Market Street then the search was on for the nearest Owl stop. Once found, we waited for an hour and 17 minutes for the "motor coach" to arrive. Waited and watched...watched the drunks stumble out of bars, watched the rats scurry in the gutters, and watched (and prayed) for The Owl to come. Now mind you, the "Next Bus" app on my phone kept saying it was coming in 3 minutes, then 27, then 8, then back up to 34...This is what us locals like to call a complete and total MUNIFAIL! Then it rolled up to the stop.

Doing a line of coke on MUNI (courtesy of MuniDiaries)

Typical Owl riders (photo courtesy of MuniDiaries)

Now I've seen a lot of crazy things in my day such as a woman with no arms and legs playing the keyboard with her tongue, a guy in line at the DMV rolling joints, even a man who keeps a pet chicken on a leash and walks him around downtown...but nothing ever prepares me for what I might see on The Owl. For example, you might see a guy doing lines of coke off of his iPhone...or you might see people boozing it up...you might even see a homeless man using the back stair well as a urinal. Again, typical. Thankfully, the worst we had to endure on that ride was some guy eating McDonald's and throwing all of his trash out the back window onto Market Street, a Russian couple with feathered mullets and headbands making out across the aisle from us, and an old leather daddy trying to pick up on some young twinks who looked like they did ALL of their shopping from the dumpster at Goodwill.

So once you've endured the wait and acclimated to the sights that you will no doubt encounter on The Owl, you are in for quite a ride. Just to put things in perspective, a typical MUNI ride home takes me about 25-60 minutes depending on delays, crowds, etc. Not this night though...oh noooo! Just imagine if Mr. Toad's Wild Ride and the Orient Express had a bastard child. THAT would be The Owl! This particular Owl trip took us over 2 hours. We left North Beach at around 12:30 and arrived home at 3:30...in the morning! Between the walking, waiting and riding that's nearly 3 hours to go 8 miles. How it's 8 miles is somewhat mind boggling seeing how (as everyone knows and will gladly tell you) that San Francisco is "7 x 7". Meaning 7 miles by 7 miles...Hmmm...must be the hills...well the hills and the fact that The Owl has never driven a straight line between destinations...EVER! Seriously, it takes you down Market Street, past Church and Castro, up over Twin Peaks, down around Forest Hill, back up around some roundabout on Taraval, and then finally...FINALLY deposits you at your destination, which in our case just happened to be 30th and Taraval...Check out the map! You can see at one point (D) it actually goes in a circle!  

Once you have experienced The Owl, you feel a bit like you have earned the right to call yourself a "native" or at least a "local". There's a feeling that you have achieved something (no matter how minor) and lived through an experience that many never dare attempt...like hiking to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro, diving in a shark tank, or driving on the Autobahn. There's also an overwhelming SOBERING reality that you will NEVER EVER EVER do that again. But you will. Sadly, you will. When you least expect it...when that invitation to dinner turns into multiple bottles of wine and endless stories...when that concert starts an hour late which means it ends an hour after MUNI stops running...or when that baseball game goes into extra innings and the line for a cab is 6 people deep...you will.

Here's your SAM:

Thank you for riding MUNI!

Yours Truly

P.S.....don't forget to follow me on Twitter @irideMUNI