The End of the World

Well here we are at the end of 2012. What a year it has been and for all we know, it could be the last one...assuming you believe all of that "hoo-ha" about the Mayan calendar and the world ending on Friday. Lately, I do have to say, it does seem like the end is near if you take into account recent events...Superstorm Sandy, Newtown, fiscal cliffs, and Lindsey Lohan portraying Liz Taylor. It's hard to sit down and write a post for a silly little blog when I'm not feeling so silly or optimistic about the state of the world.  I think of all those people who have experienced tremendous loss and my heart aches for them. That being said, as a sometimes stand-up comedian, I have always found that laughter is the best medicine for me and that most humor originates from a dark place...be it grief, humiliation, frustration, tragedy, or anger...and that the show must go on. It has to go on...just like those Muni trains will keep rolling through the station whether you're there or not...

If you do happen  to buy into the Doomsday theories and have begun to stockpile toilet paper and grow your own grain via hydroponics and solar power, I'm more than happy to "watch" your house, car, belongings, and any extra money that you won't be needing while you're living underground with your gas masks on. Just to make sure that you are prepared and haven't forgotten anything (like switching all of your currency to silver and boning up on your zombie counter-attack moves), here's a short quiz to find out how long you will last after the apocalypse. You're welcome! http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/channel/doomsday-preppers/interactives/how-prepped-are-you1/ 

Who cares that he drinks his own urine? He's HOTT!

According to this quiz, I should be able to hold on for about 2 weeks. Here's why I know that is completely false...one word...MUNI! After 11 years of being a patron of public transportation, I have learned survival skills that would make Bear Grylls jealous. Now mind you, I have never had to drink my own urine to survive on Muni, but I guarantee you that SOMEONE has! But who cares, Bear Grylls is so hot that I could (and I have) watched hour-long episodes of him drinking his own urine and eating elephant dung just to survive...but I digress! 

Back to my Muni survival skills...I know what it's like to be stuck underground with an angry mob. Nothing will kick your fight or flight instincts into high gear faster than being stuck underground on a train for 45 minutes on the opening day of the World Series with an angry mob of Giants fans clad in orange and black. All of them clamoring to get home or to the nearest TV to watch their beloved home team...all without cell phone reception! I seriously had visions of one of them tying up the train operator and taking matters into their own hands.

I have also learned some hand-to-hand combat maneuvers such as how to throw a wicked elbow, "accidentally" stomp on someone's toe, and how to land an effective hip check to a little elderly Asian woman who would have literally beat me to the punch! (Pun totally intended!)

And chemical warfare? Not a problem! Once you have experienced the "Mothball Express" that is the 31-Balboa, the 22 (also known as the Twenty-Poo!), ANY Mission bound bus on a hot day, the skunky-for-medicinal-purposes-only stinky weed smell wafting through the 71-Haight, or the crop-dusting fart smell that always seems to find me on the L-Taraval...you can survive anything that a Mayan apocalypse might throw your way!

I've made a little list of proof positive reasons why the world will NOT be ending on Friday. Again, you're welcome!

Cookie or Mayan calendar??!

1. Because a reversal of the magnetic poles would not be catastrophic. So the magnets fall of your fridge and Santa now lives in the South Pole. He could stand some sun if you ask me! All those years in the snow, his pasty white body is definitely in need of some Vitamin D.
2. An increase in sunspot activity in 2012 will not have a particularly detrimental effect on the planet...just ask any orange-tinged cast member of the Jersey Shore!
3. There is no massive black hole making its way through the solar system on a collision course with Earth...unless you count Tyler Perry...Big. Black. And sucks...Just sayin'. C'mon! Have you SEEN Madea?!?
4. Because Nostradamus never picked 2012 as the end date. Now while he DID predict the whole "Gagnum Style" craze, (according to a local conspiracy theorist), there was no mention of the end coming in 2012. And we all know that Doomsday is small potatoes compared to a YouTube video of a little Asian guy dancing like a horse...(Apparently Nostradamus never rode the 30-Stockton, where you can see this sort of thing on a daily basis!)
5. Because '2012' was a movie, people...and movies aren't real! As much as my 16 year old self would have loved to have been saved by John Cusack blasting "In Your Eyes" through a boom box, it ain't gonna happen! The proof is in the pudding given that all of the other apocalyptic prophecies portrayed by Hollywood have never come to fruition...ie: The invading Russians in "Red Dawn", the cyborg assassins in "Terminator", the alien invasion in "Independence Day", world domination by computers in "The Matrix" (although Apple made me think long and hard about this one!), a zombie plague in "I Am Legend", the existence of hoverboards (which isn't apocalyptic, but would be really cool!) in "Back to the Future II"...this could go on forever. So if Hollywood suggests it, don't trust it! Unless they are talking about a remake of "ALF"... I would totally trust that!
6. A cloud of negative energy will NOT engulf the solar system. Wow! A dark cloud with an attitude? (Again, Tyler Perry??) This sounds suspiciously like a Star Trek episode or a typical Thursday night commute on Muni. Dark energy is all around us, and it's not packaged into a neat little cloud shape. It's more like an angry little Asian woman shape.
7. Lastly, what did those Mayans know? They couldn't predict that the Spaniards were coming to wipe them out, but we're trusting them with predicting OUR demise?!?! Besides, have you ever seen  a Mayan calendar? It looks like the outside of an Oreo cookie, and who doesn't love Oreos?!

I hope as we look to 2013 that good things are on the way...The Central Subway is in the works, the 49ers are looking strong heading into the playoffs, the housing market is turning around, they opened a Ghirardelli Chocolate store right across from my office, and we get to see the train wreck of both Nicki Minaj AND Mariah Carey on American Idol this season! And if I was wrong about the end of the world, at least I'll be at my company holiday party with an open bar...and really, who wouldn't want an open bar on Doomsday?! That being said, with all that alcohol, I'm sure I'll be praying for the end of the world on Saturday morning!

Thank you for riding Muni, Happy Holidays, and see you (hopefully) in 2013!

Yours Truly

His hair looks so...ummm....natural?

Here's the last SAM of 2012:

The OWL

Golden Gate Bridge from Baker Beach

Eleven years ago this week, I quit my job, gave away my cat, sold everything I owned, packed up two suitcases, crammed into a friend's Ford Escort, left everything (and everyone) behind, put Cleveland in the rear view mirror and headed west. Filled with excitement and wonder at the unknown of moving to a new city without a job or a place to live, and aware of the evils of the world as September 11th occurred while I was at a stop over in Aspen, I landed in San Francisco...the City by the Bay. The most beautiful city I have ever laid eyes on. As long as I live, I will never forget that first drive over the Bay Bridge into the City. I have to say, these years spent here have been good to me...and though rent is astronomically high, homeless people poop freely on the street, you can't find a good lobster roll anywhere and you can see naked people at almost every public event, I have to say I LOVE YOU SAN FRANCISCO! For all of the craziness, it has been worth it! For along with the crazy I get to see whales breaching just off shore, experience the amazing cultural diversity and "live and let live" attitude, and have access to the best food and shopping a girl could ask for. I feel like it is because of all of these years and experiences that I can now call myself a "local". If you're ever in San Francisco, and you want the real "local experience", I invite you to forgo the trip to Fisherman's Wharf and take a trip on MUNI...it's all the "local" you could ever want!

"X"

Speaking of "local", there's one glaring example that comes to mind....

So when you think of an owl, what do think of? There are many feathered fowl that come to mind. For example, who remembers the owl from Mr. Rogers? He was a friendly (albeit flakey) owl from the Land of Make Believe. He was always eager to learn new things and he idolized Benjamin Franklin (and what owl doesn't?). He also worked for Cornflake S. Pecially, but would always try to sell things that the company didn't offer. What a flake! Not to mention that his name is "X". X the Owl. Seriously?? Unless your first name is Malcolm, it just reads as, "wanna be porn star". And he does live next door to Henrietta Pussycat and has Fred's hand up his backside most of the time...so you do the math...just sayin'.

Shit starting Owl

Then there is Owl from Winnie the Pooh. Now while he is considered the smartest resident of the Hundred Acre Wood, that's not saying much. He tends to ramble a lot and his self-proclaimed "wisdom" is questionable as he misread notes from Christopher Robin on two different occasions causing much drama to Pooh and the rest. He's a bit of a shit starter, really.

Tootsie Roll Pop Owl

Then there is my favorite, The Tootsie Roll Pop owl. What's not to love? He's obviously educated...we know he can count to at least three and he's wearing a mortarboard for crying out loud. That has to give him some cred when it comes to being a "wise old owl", right?  And he's wearing glasses. That automatically means that he's smart. Granted, he is kind of a dick because he did bite right into that Tootsie Pop after 3 licks. But who could blame him? It's a TOOTSIE POP! Besides, that kid was dumb. Why couldn't he just count the licks himself? Why give your candy away to an owl? Judge for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jhjb4P_jnKk

So what do these owls have to do with MUNI? Well, should you find yourself burning the midnight oil, attending an AC/D-She concert, or out boozing it up late one night, you might find yourself in quite the dilemma of how to get home. Now while we tend to think of MUNI as operating all day all the time 24/7, please be advised that this is not so! In the wee hours of the morning between 1-5am, MUNI goes from approximately 80 routes down to just 10! That's an 1/8 of the normal service for those of you keeping track. This early morning service is called, The Owl. I have no idea who gave it this name or why. Possibly because owls are nocturnal and maybe the only birds awake during these hours or possibly because owls eat their prey and then barf up the bones, fur, and everything else they can't digest...Yes! That must be it! At least that sounds like something that could happen on MUNI. I really have no idea. It definitely has nothing to do with MUNI being "wise"...because if you have ever had to make the bad decision of waiting for and taking the owl, you know it is definitely not a "wise" decision!  

After the MUNI light rail stations close, the streetcars and light rails are replaced by above-ground buses...MUNI likes to call them "motor coaches"...as if calling them something fancier than what they actually are will make them any less disgusting. Between the hours of 1-5am, The Owl is packed full of every tipsy college frat boy trying to desperately hook up with someone, drunk college girls flashing their bits because their mini skirts are too short, people drunk calling/dialing/texting...as well as every homeless person looking for 4 solid hours of sleep out of the cold. Throw in a few drag queens, lost tourists, and a some grouchy bleary-eyed people getting off work from the night shift, and that is your typical Owl crowd. MUNI's own website describes The Owl service as "sparse" and claims that the "motor coaches"will "approximately duplicate" the streetcar service. Yeah. Right.

So once the reality sets in that a cab ride to the Sunset will cost you $30 and you've spent your last $20 on a late night burrito and a decaf latté and everyone you know who has a car is fast asleep or passed out somewhere...your slightly intoxicated brain succumbs to the bad idea of waiting for The Owl. The wait for The Owl can be just as horrific as actually riding The Owl. For example, after a lovely late night with friends I recently found myself in the predicament of  having to take The Owl. First came the 12 block stumble from North Beach down to Market Street past bars and all night Asian restaurants...with a stop in some random ally to pee. Yes, pee. It's 1:00am. Where else are you gonna go? The all night Asian restaurant? I'll pass. Once we hit Market Street then the search was on for the nearest Owl stop. Once found, we waited for an hour and 17 minutes for the "motor coach" to arrive. Waited and watched...watched the drunks stumble out of bars, watched the rats scurry in the gutters, and watched (and prayed) for The Owl to come. Now mind you, the "Next Bus" app on my phone kept saying it was coming in 3 minutes, then 27, then 8, then back up to 34...This is what us locals like to call a complete and total MUNIFAIL! Then it rolled up to the stop.

Doing a line of coke on MUNI (courtesy of MuniDiaries)

Typical Owl riders (photo courtesy of MuniDiaries)

Now I've seen a lot of crazy things in my day such as a woman with no arms and legs playing the keyboard with her tongue, a guy in line at the DMV rolling joints, even a man who keeps a pet chicken on a leash and walks him around downtown...but nothing ever prepares me for what I might see on The Owl. For example, you might see a guy doing lines of coke off of his iPhone...or you might see people boozing it up...you might even see a homeless man using the back stair well as a urinal. Again, typical. Thankfully, the worst we had to endure on that ride was some guy eating McDonald's and throwing all of his trash out the back window onto Market Street, a Russian couple with feathered mullets and headbands making out across the aisle from us, and an old leather daddy trying to pick up on some young twinks who looked like they did ALL of their shopping from the dumpster at Goodwill.

So once you've endured the wait and acclimated to the sights that you will no doubt encounter on The Owl, you are in for quite a ride. Just to put things in perspective, a typical MUNI ride home takes me about 25-60 minutes depending on delays, crowds, etc. Not this night though...oh noooo! Just imagine if Mr. Toad's Wild Ride and the Orient Express had a bastard child. THAT would be The Owl! This particular Owl trip took us over 2 hours. We left North Beach at around 12:30 and arrived home at 3:30...in the morning! Between the walking, waiting and riding that's nearly 3 hours to go 8 miles. How it's 8 miles is somewhat mind boggling seeing how (as everyone knows and will gladly tell you) that San Francisco is "7 x 7". Meaning 7 miles by 7 miles...Hmmm...must be the hills...well the hills and the fact that The Owl has never driven a straight line between destinations...EVER! Seriously, it takes you down Market Street, past Church and Castro, up over Twin Peaks, down around Forest Hill, back up around some roundabout on Taraval, and then finally...FINALLY deposits you at your destination, which in our case just happened to be 30th and Taraval...Check out the map! You can see at one point (D) it actually goes in a circle!  

Once you have experienced The Owl, you feel a bit like you have earned the right to call yourself a "native" or at least a "local". There's a feeling that you have achieved something (no matter how minor) and lived through an experience that many never dare attempt...like hiking to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro, diving in a shark tank, or driving on the Autobahn. There's also an overwhelming SOBERING reality that you will NEVER EVER EVER do that again. But you will. Sadly, you will. When you least expect it...when that invitation to dinner turns into multiple bottles of wine and endless stories...when that concert starts an hour late which means it ends an hour after MUNI stops running...or when that baseball game goes into extra innings and the line for a cab is 6 people deep...you will.

Here's your SAM:

Thank you for riding MUNI!

Yours Truly

P.S.....don't forget to follow me on Twitter @irideMUNI

Buses, Brits, and Butts...Oh my!

Hope that you all are enjoying Summer wherever you are. Summer is in full swing here in the City by the Bay...the Giants are pitching well, the fog has settled over the Sunset District, and locals are busy playing "Lesbian or German Tourist?". Speaking of lesbians...and all of our LGBTQQ friends, this past weekend was the SF Pride Celebration, which basically equates to the most biggest-craziest-drunkeness-throw all caution to the windness-reason to ride topless down Market Street on a scooter day!! I'm not sure what it is about this city that makes people want to get naked?? I'm also not sure what it is about this nakedness that makes us clothed people just accept it or pretend that it's not happening...HELLOOOO, my eyes are up here!! Now I've seen plenty of birthday suits (most of which need to be dry cleaned and taken in!) in this City, but there's just something about Pride that brings this city together in its acceptance of all things and all people...for one weekend, we actually all manage to get along. People come from far and wide (ie, the German tourists!) to partake in the debauchery, and it's fun to see the City through the eyes of someone experiencing their first Pride...or their first Muni ride! And when Pride and Muni become one, it may look something like this:

Muni bus decked out for Pride!

Scary!

Speaking of Queens, did you all tune in to the Queen's Diamond Jubilee bash that was going on across the pond?? I heard that it was 'pissing rain', as one of my English co-workers put it and that it was really a 'bit of a bore' to watch all of those boats float down the river. I managed to tune in to the concert part of the celebration just in time to have Grace Jones scare the shit out of me! Seriously...I dare ANYONE to name one Grace Jones song...just one! She's not a singer! When anyone says the word "singer", NO ONE thinks of Grace Jones. NO ONE! I really feel that her sole purpose in life is to scare the crap out of people...That would explain why Prince Philip was nowhere to be found. Although I can't blame him. If I was forced to attend that concert, I might fake a heart attack or complain of "exhaustion" just to get away from her! No one wants to see a 64 year old Amazon (ok, she's from Jamaica but who cares?!) flapping around on stage...in a hula hoop no less! A. HULA. HOOP! I'm not sure what could have topped that, but seeing as how it was the "Queen's" Jubilee...I'm sure Elton John put on quite a show. Now THAT  is someone I would gladly PAY  to watch hula hoop! I can see it now...wig, cape, and oversized sunglasses be damned! Personally, I think 'Diamond Jubilee' sounds like a dessert...and if it was, I definitely would have ordered it!

The next big thing that we are all looking forward to is, of course, the Summer Olympics in London. Those damn limeys are getting all the attention this year! Sheesh! Give it a rest already! The athletes and their medals....tea, crumpets, and bad teeth. I'm really only watching it to catch a glimpse of those adorable Corgis that follow the Queen around like she is wrapped in bacon. (On a side note...I love that when I looked on 'Google images' for  "Bacon Queen" I got images of Kevin Bacon, Queen Elizabeth, and Adam Lambert...go figure!) So I would imagine that the Olympics are to London, what Pride is for San Francisco....maybe?? I remember when London was chosen several years ago to host the 2012 Olympics. I remember it because it was the same year that San Francisco was up for consideration and lost. LOST. How could we lose?! We lost out to fish & chips, fog, and bad teeth?! What do they have that we don't?? We have sourdough bread, fog, and medical marijuana cards...Not to  mention dental insurance! Again, how could we possibly lose?! I'm sure it was rigged. The motto to the Summer Olympics is, "Inspire a Generation". Inspire? How can London possibly inspire a generation? I mean, with the exception of Duran Duran inspiring me to get a magenta colored A-symmetrical haircut in the 80's, the only thing that England has ever inspired us to do was to leave...and then dump a bunch of tea into Boston Harbor for crying out loud! The closest we have ever come to hosting the Olympics, is hosting the U.S. Open Golf Tournament at the Olympic Club Golf Course last weekend...*YAWN*...and of course, some ass hat named, "The Birdman", wearing a Union Jack hat is the one who got all of the attention. Coincidence?! Some newcomer wins the U.S. Open, and all anyone can remember is this British guy swooping in and interrupting the interview with his bird noises...CAW! CAW! Again, what's with hogging all the spotlight, Brits?? 

Birdman...(aka, British Ass Hat)

This got me thinking, what would happen if we DID host the Olympics? Well, after peeing on myself with excitement, I'm sure I would start thinking of ways to parlay myself into some events. I think the Olympics would be way more fun if the athletes had to compete in events that were specific to the host city. For example, athletes this year would have to platform dive off of London bridge or complete a full English tea service without spilling a drop...or translate the following sentence, "I romped a tipsy whazzock from the boozer" WHAT?! My point exactly! Well, apparently there are talks of us hosting the 2020 Olympics...I think it's down to us, Qatar, Tokyo, and Philadelphia. Philly?? I KNOW we have them beat...and Qatar?! People don't even know how to pronounce Qatar. A 'Q' without a 'U' is just too much for most of us to wrap our heads around. I'm betting that we get beat out by the Asians again...as usual..(or at least on Muni!).


If we hosted the Olympics, I could see athletes competing in events like the Bay Bridge backup, the Triple Right Turn (which equates into a left turn) and the Panhandler Dodging competition.  But lets face it, the one thing that make this city what it is is its transit system. Muni could host their own events like the Bus Stop Sprint, Applying Makeup During the Morning Commute, and the China Town Heptathlon...consisting of boxing out your opponents to get on the bus first, sprinting to a seat that does not have a 'mystery puddle' on it, holding your breath from the stench, avoiding eye contact from opponents that you previously boxed out, bobbing and weaving down the center aisle to the door, and finally...opening the rear door of the bus without having to shout, "BACKDOORPLEASE!"...all while trying to avoid catching Hepatitis...hence, HEPtathlon! Yes, if Muni had their own Olympics, I'm sure I could win a medal...or at least qualify for the medal round. Maybe they wouldn't hand out medals at all...maybe you would just win a monthly pass...or more likely in this city, you would be forced to put on a pair of ass-less chaps and parade around town draped in the flag of your country! Hmmm...don't think I'm ready for ass-less chaps just yet. I know, I know...get it out of your head! But the next Summer Olympics in 2016 will be in Rio, and word has it that they have even more nakedness than we do! Basically, our Pride is the little bitchy step-sister to Rio's Carnival...after all, they invented nakedness! I can only imagine what their city-specific events would be like. Thong, anyone?!


Here's your SAM:

I'm really enjoying this Twitter thing, so if you're not following me yet, click on the link below! I share tweets about the commute and random things seen on Muni...as well as re-tweeting and sharing other Muni horror stories from my followers! 

Follow @IRideMUNI

Happy 100th Birthday, MUNI!

Happy birthday to you...Happy birthday to you...You look like public transportation...and smell like it too! That's right folks...MUNI has a big birthday this year. This is the year that MUNI turns 100! I know, we were all secretly hoping that it would have passed away quietly in its sleep about 10 years ago...but it's still hanging on. Personally, I think it just wanted to hear Willard Scott from the Today Show say, "...and Smuckers Jam would like to wish MUNI a Happy Birthday! MUNI from San Francisco is 100 years old today. MUNI still enjoys breaking down in the middle of rush hour and confusing patrons with how to open the back doors! MUNI claims that the secret to a long life is to let anything and anyone ride." Well if that's the secret to long life, I'll pass. Somehow I think that if anyone from Smuckers had ever ridden MUNI at any time in it's 100 year history, they would not be wishing it a 'Happy Birthday'! More like,"Die, MUNI, die!" or "Go to light, MUNI, go to the light!".

Obviously speaking French!

In honor of MUNI's birthday, I decided to do a little digging into history....(and for the record, if you ask me ANY questions related to history, my answer will ALWAYS be Chappaquiddick...see previous post!) Anywhoo, I found some interesting little nuggets of history about 1912 (the year it all began)...MUNI related and otherwise. For example, did you know that in January of 1912 the Republic of China was proclaimed??!?! COINCIDENCE??! Doubt it! It was also the year of the International Opium Convention...again, coincidence??! Also, what are the chances that the world's most famous (or infamous) ocean liner, the Titanic, hits an ice berg and goes down....while the world's most famous municipal transportation system is being born? Reincarnation? Probably. MUNI is a lot like the Titanic. You know, overcrowded, sinking fast, and with very few survivors...It's the Titanic except without that hottie, Leo DeCaprio....or that annoying Celine Dion song. I swear, if I never hear that song again it will be too soon! For that matter, if I never heard Celine Dion again it would be too soon! Did you ever notice how she speaks French out of one side of her mouth and English out of the other side? It's hard to convey in writing, but she will say, "Thank you, thank you" out of the right side of her mouth and then "merci beaucoup" out of the left side while her face is all contorted like she had a stroke or something! If I have to hear about how she lived in a one room shack with a dirt floor with her 13 brothers and sisters, all while she was being "coached" by her now husband Reneé, I just might vomit. Seriously?! He just turned 70 while she is 44. This wouldn't be so disturbing if they hadn't met when she was nine. NINE! That means when she was nine, he was 35! What a CREEPER! I'm willing to bet that there are stricter laws governing hockey trades in Canada than there are laws against dating a 9 year old! But I digress....Back to reincarnation. It's also the year that Eva Braun (Hitler's girlfriend), Julia Child (crazy lesbianesque chef), Pat Nixon (the most traveled First Lady is U.S. History), and Minnie Pearl (crazy granny from Hee-Haw who probably returned that hat with the price tag on it) were all born...and I can definitely see a bit of each of them when I ride MUNI...evil, food, lesbians, politics, and cheap crazy entertainment in every ride! Ironically, it was also the year that the U.S. Public Health Service was established...um, HELLLOOOO?! MUNI should have been priority numero uno on the top of THAT list! Epic fail, Public Health Service. Epic. Fail.

I can smell the patchouli coming from this picture!

The early days of MUNI relied on horses and was more like a local stagecoach. Why can't we go back to that?! A stagecoach?! I would totally ride that to work everyday! Apparently they got rid of it because of the 'pollution of horse waste' on crowded city streets...And I ask you, how is that different from today?! I bet you ten bucks that it was wayyyy cleaner back then and probably smelled wayyyy better, even with an occasional 'road apple' to step over. Interestingly, once these stagecoaches were phased out, they were used as housing and spawned a unique neighborhood of these former vehicles known as Carville-by-the-Sea. Ok, so that has not changed! People are still sleeping on MUNI and basically living on its platforms. Also, on any given day, you could probably see a whole commune of patchouli-smelling-tree-hugging-hippies living out of a single school bus in the Haight. Really when you think about it, what's the difference?

In 1988 after much debate (hey that rhymes!), the city created the Department of Parking and Traffic, which should just be called "The Department of Traffic" since parking can't be found in the City! The DPT adopted the slogan, "Transit First" and had that slogan embedded in the City Charter....This makes me scratch my head...if "transit" is "first", what the hell is LAST?! Oh wait! It's probably education...or safety. YES! Safety is last! This is evident if you have ever ridden on MUNI...especially an overcrowded 30-Stockton headed to Chinatown or a super sketchy 14-Mission where I once saw a passenger punch his seat mate squarely in the face as the bus was slowing down to a stop, and then calmly exit through the back door. This is minor compared to stories I have heard or even things I have witnessed. So if "Transit First" is the slogan for the DPT, what is MUNI's slogan?  I think MUNI's slogan would be something like, "MUNI, disappointing patrons for a century". Or maybe, "MUNI, getting you from point A to point B....eventually".

The perfect cake for the occasion!

Back to safety and incidents on MUNI...There was a recent article in one of the SF-tabloid-type papers that said that 95% of MUNI crimes go unreported. I wonder why this is? Maybe it is because no one wants to fill out an incident report about the skeevy old man rubbing his package against your thigh in rush hour traffic...and how embarrassing would it be to describe the homeless guy at the back of bus who was doing the five knuckle shuffle with his red rocket?! Or maybe it's because MUNI protocol states, "Alert driver if it is safe to do so". This immediately poses so many problems that it makes my head spin. For example, other than screaming, "This guy is rubbing his junk on me", how exactly would you alert the driver on a crowded bus? Chances are that once you do alert the driver, the perp will just jump off at the next stop...which leaves you looking like the crazy one! MUNI protocol also recommends that you call 911. Ummm, that would be all well and good if there was actually cell phone service underground! Then MUNI goes on to say, "DO NOT use a cellular phone until you are a safe distance away (approx. 300 feet). If possible, use a land line phone to report suspicious activity". Why they say, "DO NOT use a cellular phone" is beyond me....It's not like we are in an airplane and the radio waves are going to interfere with the radar and take us all down in a flaming fire ball! I ask you...where the HELL are you going to find a pay phone...on a train? On an underground train?! Do they even have pay phones any more? Let me tell you, if I see a phone booth, it better have a mild-mannered guy in a suit with nerdy glasses and blue-black hair who is changing into his Superman outfit, because at that point he will be the only one capable of saving me!!

Sometimes I picture MUNI as a 100 year old drag queen monkey.

So how does MUNI plan on celebrating it's 100th birthday? I mean really...what is it that 100 year olds do to celebrate? I would think that at 100, every day you're still alive and don't break a hip would be a celebration! You would also think that at 100, a decent celebration could consist of a healthy BM, a cup of hot water with lemon, and a nap...sounds boring, huh? Well, it sounds more exciting than the actual celebration, which consisted of the mayor driving the newly restored first MUNI rail car up and down Market Street. Woo hooo! Sorry I missed that one. I mean it's not your usual Jager-bomb, drag show, waking up on the bathroom floor wearing hot pants and a clown wig kinda birthday, but hey...whatever floats your boat...or...err, drives your rail car?

Nice leathery skin!

What on earth do you get a transit agency for their 100th birthday? I Googled some ideas, and the best I could come up with was a "flannelette open back nightgown" and a T-shirt that reads, "100 and my kids still can't keep up with me". Keep up with you?! That's because they're dead! I think I'll just go with the "Spoil me. I'm 100 and still sexy!" trucker hat. I would love to see my bus driver wearing that when the doors open and I climb aboard in the morning! Although, there's something quite refreshingly urban about hearing 13 seconds of Nicki Minaj looped through a shitty t-mobile phone speaker over and over...Hmmm, oh wait! Someone gave MUNI that last year for their birthday! They must have really liked it because they use it ALL the time! There's always the David Beckham pajama pants. They look good on everyone...they even made this tour bus look great and I think MUNI and a tour bus would wear the same size...Hmmm...imagine if all MUNI vehicles looked like this!  Well, I could always get MUNI something practical like tube socks or a "MUNI Driver-to English" translation dictionary, but who likes practical? And I think I know MUNI better than most, and since there's not a lot of common sense going on with MUNI, the dictionary probably wouldn't get much use...or it would get lent to those TSA people in the airport and never returned. I got it! Do you know where I can buy a land line...preferably one that comes with a phone booth?

Here's your SAM:

Thank you for riding MUNI for 100 years!
Yours Truly

P.S...Don't forget to send me your public transit stories, pictures, and links. And if you're not following me on Twitter, what's wrong with you?! Follow me @I.Ride Muni

Chappaquiddick

Happy New Year! Am I still allowed to say that in February? I know I skipped right over the month of January....but seeing as how I opted out of cramming my way onto the L-Taraval and then transferring to the notorious 30-Stockton just to go see the Chinese New Year parade and all things dragon-related (FYI, it's the year of the dragon), there really wasn't much in the way of MUNI news or related experiences to report on. I admit that I missed an AMAZING opportunity to witness MUNI mayhem in all of its glory...anyone who has ever been on the 30-Stockton can attest to this...what, with the abundance of sleeping Asian men, pink plastic bags, and a sea of black hair all cut like Moe from the Three Stooges...I surely missed the bus on that one, pun intended.

This is how I picture the 30-Stockton in my head.

So far, the MUNI of 2012 is a lot like the MUNI of 2011. I'm not sure what I was expecting....maybe buses that ran on time, an empty seat now and then, people to behave themselves...After all, isn't this the year that the world is supposed to come to an end?! Trust me, if you ever find yourself having to squeeze onto the 47 Van Ness going outbound at rush hour, you will pray that those Mayans were right and that your God will deliver you from evil...or at least deliver you from the tinny noise leaking from the headphones of the Asian man standing next to you who is rocking out to Enrique Iglesias!

I don't normally ride the 47, but lately I've been riding it on my way home from acupuncture and actually rode it back to the office after a mid-day work function last week. The 47 is always full of such random eclectic people...tourists coming from the wharf, suits coming from city hall or the courthouse, and Latinos on their way back down to the Mission. On this particular crowded ride, I was standing in the very back of the bus when a huge hulking beast of a black man got on about 2 minutes into the ride and entered through the back door....at the same exact time that a tall skinny douchey hipster type guy carrying a bicycle wheel entered through the front door. There was one empty seat available and it was obvious that they both had their sites set on it. Despising these "too cool for school" douchey hipster types like I do, I was secretly rooting for the big black man. You could tell that everyone else on the bus was covertly placing their bets in their heads as to how this was going to play out. Well, being lanky and moving stealthily has its benefits as the hipster reached the seat first and quickly planted his thrift-store-skinny jean-clad ass into the seat. He had won. Until...the big black man hovered over him and said, "This is nothing like Manhattan! Not sure if you remember, Bro, but you LOST the Civil War!".....Ummm, excuse me? What? Manhattan? Civil War? I was thoroughly confused. Now History is definitely not one of my stronger subjects...For example, if I was ever on Jeopardy and the Final Jeopardy category was "U.S. History", I would just scribble down in the form of a question, "Who were the Chappaquiddick Indians?"....just because I like saying "Chappaquiddick" and even if I was wrong, maybe everyone in TV land would be impressed with my correct spelling....but I digress! So, I really don't know what the Civil War or Manhattan had to do with anything, but like me, the hipster was so perplexed that he just said, "Oh, sorry", as if he really did understand what he meant and was in violation of some kind of unwritten MUNI etiquette and quickly relinquished his seat. Who said crazy can't get you anywhere? At least it got that guy a seat...and it may have even won him the Civil War for all I know!

Graffiti is the LEAST of your worries!

Speaking of MUNI etiquette....here's a story for you...Now I've mentioned "Shoeless Joe Jackson" in a previous post and even had a video for you. Not sure what in the world would possess someone to go without shoes on MUNI, as I have seen EVERYTHING and I do mean EVERYTHING on the floor of a MUNI bus! I would even think twice about picking up a large sum of money from the floor of a bus (assuming that large sums of money just happen to be left on the floor of a bus!). Anywhoo...I'm riding the 71-Noriega home one night this week, and I hear someone at the far back of the bus speaking loudly and fairly incoherently....and then I heard it. The unmistakable sound of some Grateful Dead-Phish-tree hugging hippie-music emanating from the same vicinity. No explanation needed...it was one of those so called "homeless" trust fund kids that camp out in Golden Gate park. For those of you unfamiliar with the 71-Noriega, it runs down Haight Street (yes, THAT Haight Street...as in Haight Asbury...famous for hippies, drugs, rock in roll, Summer of Love, etc.). I call them "homeless trust fund kids" because a guy wearing Diesel jeans, a North Face jacket, and Timberland boots doesn't exactly look like he's hurting for cash...He probably ran away from his home in Marin county because his mom and dad wouldn't let him set up his meth lab in their garage. They claim to be experts on anything tye-dyed and having to do with the Grateful Dead or Jerry Garcia, even though I'm willing to bet that Jerry died before some of these kids were even born! I'm not knocking Jerry or the Dead. They have their place in American history and certainly in San Francisco history, so I have to respect that. Hell, I even SAW the Dead when I was in high school. Don't judge. We've all made questionable decisions in our past...and so I guess I could forgive anyone's choice in music....unless your choice is Miley Cyrus. That's just unforgivable! However, I think I speak for the whole bus when I say that no one wants to hear the long version of "Dark Star" from some bootleg 1973 Apple Juice Session recording while you're on the bus...at least not while you're SOBER on the bus! So I take a gander back to the rear of the bus and notice said wannabe-homeless-trust fund-hippie kid sitting with his filthy bare feet across the seat resting on (who I can only assume is) his girlfriend's lap. Now I've done a lot for love...(moved across country, majored in Marketing, watched an entire New Year's Eve ball drop on Telemundo), but I'll be damned if I would allow ANYONE to put their filthy feet on my lap. On a bus. In public. But apparently, she LOOOOVES her man because she then proceeded to rub them and pick out the lint from between his toes. Ah, true love!

Apparently, this is a common occurrence.

One major part (and possibly the most important part) of MUNI that has always fascinated me are the drivers. Mostly because I try to envision myself driving one of these buses and the mere thought conjures up a feeling of fear that will most likely culminate into explosive diarrhea if I don't get the thought out of my head. So how anyone can drive one of these vehicles day after day, year after year, is totally lost on me...unless I stop and consider that the starting salary for drivers is around $63K. I like to think of it as hazard pay. Who needs 4 years of college and 20 years of work experience?! Not me, apparently...as I have both of those things and am earning less than that! Add to that the fact that most drivers can't even speak the language...or speak it well enough for you to comprehend what is being blasted over the speakers in what can only be called a "Charlie Brown teacher's" kind of voice. The majority of drivers won't really give you the time of day, even though there's a sign right next to them that reads, "Information gladly given, but safety requires unnecessary conversation." Somehow I doubt that the information provided is gladly given. Begrudgingly, yes. Gladly? Doubtful. That's why whenever you come across a friendly driver, you almost feel as though you have won the MUNI lottery. There is one such driver who routinely drives the 71 Noriega and every time I find myself waiting at the corner of Frederick and Stanyan, I say a little silent prayer to the MUNI gods that the "Singing Bus Driver" will stop and pick me up. That's right! The SINGING bus driver! He's a portly kind of fellow with bronze skin and a certain soothing vibrato. He welcomes you onto the bus with a melodic, "HellllooOO, please hoollLd OOon!". I love it! I eat it up, can't get my fill, and come back for more!! As the kids would say, "He's awesome to the max plus tax!". He instantly transforms you into a better mood as he belts out EVERY single stop and coordinating bus routes...As in, "Nineteeeenth AAAvenuuue, Twentyyy Eiiiigghht Liiiiine!" or "NorrriEEEGGAAAA", "JuuUUUdaaah", or a simple "Have a gooOOD EEEEveniiiiing". So, either he's gone crazy or he really LOVES his job...I'm sure it's the latter. I'm not sure how the rest of the riders feel about him. I've noticed some sideways glances and some smirks...but I think deep down, everyone secretly gets a kick out of it!

Aforementioned sign.

Recently, I've changed my work hours so that I am coming and going earlier than usual...as a result, I have discovered some new drivers and some new interesting riders. One of the new drivers is on the K/T-Third Avenue train in the morning. He seems normal enough...although I've never actually seen him. I've only heard him. He will say regular "driver type" things such as, "Don't forget to gather your belongings before you exit the train", etc. But what makes him special is his accent. Let me rephrase that...99.999% of MUNI drivers have some kind of accent. It's what he says (and maybe more what it sounds like) at every stop...As you go to step off the train, you will hear him exclaim in his joyful Latino accent, "Hab a gooood day, eberybowdy! An rememer...MUNI Lowv jew!". Now I ask you, unless you are cold and heartless, how could that NOT make you giggle to yourself? If I could have a microphone at work, a captive audience, and permission to speak my mind there'd be no stopping me! But since that kind of behavior is frowned upon by "the man", guess this blog will have to fulfill that dream for me!

To keep up with the kids, I have broken down and signed up for a Twitter account to be used in conjunction with this blog. I swore I would never do it...but I did. I drank the Kool-Aid. I'll be tweeting daily on my MUNI commute! Feel free to follow me at: @IRideMUNI

Recently, a couple of you have shared your own pictures or stories with me and I LOVE it! Keep them coming and I may post them on here for all to enjoy!

Erin recently shared a story from another popular MUNI blog, "The Muni Diaries", and even though they are my competitions, it was so good that I wanted to share it with all of you: http://www.munidiaries.com/2012/01/19/jack-in-the-box-jackinthebox/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=jack-in-the-box-jackinthebox

Angie also shared a picture that has kept me in stitches for the last few days...I must admit, I wish I would have seen this little gem in person! 

"She'd be a nice girl if she would just loosen up and pull that stick out of her ass!"

 Thanks for riding MUNI and rememer...MUNI LOWV JEW!

Yours Truly

Oooh! I almost forgot, here's your SAM: