Wishing you a MUNI Christmas and a happy New Year!

Well, the holiday season is in full swing here in the city....streets are bustling with holiday shoppers, lines at the post office are around the corner, and those horrible holiday commercial jingles are stuck in every one's heads. Seriously...have you seen that demented commercial for T-Mobile?? The one with the white and pink "elves"?? Now I know the jingle says, "Walking in a 4G wonderland...", but all I can hear is, "Walking in an ORGY wonderland!"....and if that wasn't bad enough, the little "elf" at about 15 seconds into the clip that says, "...like a...scooter?" creeps me the hell out!!! He looks like Tattoo from Fantasy Island for crying out loud! It's just too much...elves, orgies, Tattoo, scooters?!?! Here. Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcYWGwQu2WI   Never thought I would yearn for the days of that Halloween commercial for Party City with the creepy baby dressed up like a devil.

The Yuletide can be quite creepy (and no I'm not talking about that drunk uncle that tried to make a pass at you during last year's ball drop on New Year's Eve). Creepy, you ask? Yes, creepy! Even the Christmas carol that the buskers are singing in the MUNI stations are creepy! For example, "...He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake..." So Santa is a stalker now?! The worst is that date rape song. Yes, I said "date rape"! You know the one! Let me refresh your memory...it's usually sung as a duet between a man and a woman (although two cute gay boys just sang it on Glee last week). Here it goes: "I simply must go...(Baby, it's cold outside). The answer is no...(Ooh baby, it's cold outside).....My mother will start to worry...(Hey, beautiful, what's your hurry) My sister will be suspicious...(Man, your lips look so delicious)...Well maybe just a half a drink more...(Put some music on while I pour)...The neighbors might think...(Baby, it's bad out there)...Say, what's in this drink.... SEE?!?! Sounds like date rape to me! I could go on and on about that one!

So, as if creepy carols weren't bad enough...I've come up with my own MUNI version of the 12 Days of Christmas. And in keeping with the theme of this blog, it was derived from mere observation...and it will never be as bad that date rape song. I hope you enjoy:

On the twelfth day of Christmas MUNI sent to me:
12. Bums Bumming
11. Potheads Puffing
10.Teens a Yelling
9. Gay Boys Prancing
8. Cell Phones Ringing
7. Schizos Swearing
6. Thugs Not Paying
5. Delayed Trains
4. Stalling Buses
3. French Tourists
2. Terrible Drivers
and an Asian Guy Fast Asleep!

Now I like gifts just like any other girl and I try not to focus on all of the material crap, so when it came to my MUNI wish list for Santa, I tried to be practical and think of others first...and seeing as how this is my first MUNI wish list, I wasn't exactly sure about etiquette. I mean do I send this to the North Pole or to the Mayor's office? Do I leave out cookies and milk? After all eating and drinking is prohibited on all MUNI vehicles! Is there a stocking that I need to hang somewhere?? I mean, I have seen random socks on buses and a stray shoe on the platform before, but would Santa even find a stocking if I hung it on a bus or train? Chances are, someone would steal it before Santa even knew it was there! And would Santa even know what I was talking about? After all, he's got flying reindeer. What the hell would he know about sleeping Asian guys, rotting food left on a seat, or stalling buses on his commute?! I mean besides Akron, Ohio the filthiest place he's ever been is in a chimney! Ok, so here goes my MUNI wish list for Santa (assuming that I am on the "Nice List" this year!):

Dear Santa,

I've been REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY good this year, and therefore I would like to request the following (assuming that you just have them laying around in your toy shop and that you don't have creepy elves like the ones in that T-Mobile commercial who wouldn't have the slightest idea on how to come through with what I've requested):

A MUNI vehicle that arrives when it should with a nice competent English speaking driver and a comfortable seat with plenty of leg room next to a nice normal person who smells good and doesn't try to make conversation with you or listen to their iPod at decibels that even Marlee Matlin can hear- (Really, this is all anyone wants when they ride MUNI)

This would sure beat the hair crimper that you gave me last year.

Happy Holidays and thank you for riding MUNI!
Yours Truly

Maybe Santa has been on MUNI after all?!?!

Your SAM:

Station by station

So recently on a commute home, I ran into a bunch of friendly lesbians...I know! I couldn't believe it either, but they were friendly! It was obvious that they were first time MUNI riders because they kept looking at the station map trying to figure out how many stops they had left, what the difference is between "inbound" and "outbound" trains, whether or not they were going in the right direction, and looking at me with that "help us...we're lost" look. I've seen that look before...it's the same look that first timers give the station agents when they can't figure out how to hold their MUNI passes up to the scanner and make the turnstiles "magically" open...I'm sure it's also the same dismayed look that I've been known to give when I travel outside of the Bay Area and I see people throwing all of their garbage (cans, bottles, newspaper, cardboard, leftover chinese food, etc.) into the same bin. So naturally, I jumped in to help navigate them on their first MUNI ride....It didn't take a genius to figure out that they were headed to the Castro. Lesbians on an outbound train are ALWAYS going to the Castro! And who can blame them?! I LOVE the Castro!! ....and seriously, who doesn't love the Castro?!? We shared some small talk and they were filled with questions about why the train was stopped for no reason, why you can't understand the driver over the loudspeaker, why people seem to be allowed to walk down the street and smoke pot here, and the cost of living in San Francisco. Since I LOVE talking about the City and everything San Francisco, I was having a blast...or about as much fun as you can have with a bunch of lesbians on MUNI!

When we arrived at Castro, they exited the train in a mad dash...and really, who can blame them? Stay on a stinky crowded tin can of a train, or get out at the Castro station? Kind of a no brainer. It was then that it occurred to me that I really haven't said a whole lot in this blog about the particular MUNI stations that the train services, and that I would like to go into detail about each of these stops...some are awesome like the Castro, and some I find myself wondering, who are these people that get off at Forest Hill?? Forest Hill is so....well, "blah" for lack of a better word! So I will fill you in on each of the underground stations starting from the first inbound station and going outbound....as if you were headed home (if home were the Outer Sunset where I live) from working downtown. If you refer back to my very first post, there is a small MUNI map at the end of the post if you care to follow along....

The Embarcadero
The Embarcadero is the first underground MUNI stop and it is located right next to the Bay. People get on or off at the Embarcadero if they work at the Gap, since the Gap headquarters is right there. They also use the Embarcadero station on the weekends to go to the super hipster, kid-toting yuppie, overpriced, crowded, but yet most amazing farmer's market at the Ferry Building. Yes, I have a love-hate relationship with the Ferry Building Farmer's Market. It is filled with yuppies pushing their thousand dollar strollers with a Peet's coffee cup in one hand, and a yoga mat rolled up under their arm like some kind of suburban rocket propelled grenade launcher....However, they have the most amazing cheese shop there and I will do just about ANYTHING for a good cheese! The Ferry Building also happens to be right across the street from "Occupy SF". So if you were to visit the city now, instead of enjoying the view of Gap Headquarters, you would now gaze upon a city of tents, port a potties, and police in riot gear while the smell of hippie douche (some call it patchouli) and raw sewage waft through the air. This is also the stop that you are most likely to get a seat on the train because it is the first stop to board all outbound trains. It also happens to be the stop where a good friend of mine fell onto the MUNI tracks! You read that correctly...FELL onto the tracks and lived to tell about it! She did get hurt (but has recovered now), and luckily was not run over by a train! I definitely have to save this story for another post...However, every time I am on the Embarcadero platform, I can't help but look down into the "Pit of Death" and onto the tracks and imagine the horror of falling onto them. And even though it happened months ago, I always look onto the tracks for any remnants of my friend...a piece of her torn jeans, a lock of blond hair...her bruised and battered dignity...

Montgomery
So this is the stop where I get on and off every day on my way to and from work. This is in the heart of the Financial District (or "FiDi"...if you're a douchey hipster). This is where the majority of suits get off in the morning on their way to work. It's also the "blue station" because when you're on the platform (or on the train) in this station, all of the walls are painted blue. It's pretty boring as far as stations go, except that it has a Peet's coffee right in the middle of the station! So every morning I am tempted by smells of rocket fuel-like coffee and pastries wafting down the stairs and onto the platform as soon as I exit the train. It's also the station where you will see and hear buskers of all sorts...some playing the guitar, possibly a string quartet, saxophone, or that weird Asian stringed instrument that looks vaguely like a banjo but sounds like a cat stuck in a box fan.

Powell
This stop looks exactly like the Montgomery station only everything is painted red instead of blue. This is the popular stop with all of the tourists because it stops right in the heart of the city and is close to the cable cars. The underground station actually connects to the mall. So on any given day and time there will be people milling about with their Forever 21, Macy's, and Victoria Secret bags...Just about everyone who gets off at Powell station in the morning works in retail...And anyone getting on the train after work usually reeks of Cinnabon cinnamon or that putrid fragrance that Abercrombie & Fitch pump out into the mall...you know, the one that smells like white underage teenagers scantily clad in overpriced t-shirts and ripped jeans? Yeah, that one.

Civic Center
This stop is supposed to have some kind of regal feeling to it. There are pictures of city hall on the station walls and just the name "Civic Center" evokes some sort of "political" feeling. I mean it is at the United Nations Plaza, which would make you think of peace and people of different cultures all living in harmony. You would think that, but in actuality this is the station where you are most likely to get asked for spare change, drugs, or witness a homeless person peeing in the station....also where you are most likely to get shot. That's right, shot. It happens. Especially if you're a homeless vagrant approaching the transit police with a knife in one hand and a broken bottle in the other. Believe it. It happened. And for some reason, I always seem to get turned around and borderline lost in this station. It seems REALLY long and I never know what escalator to take to get to the right side of the street once I am above ground!


Van Ness
Van Ness station has always had this weird feel to me. It's between Civic Center and Church stations, but there's nothing really remarkable about it. It feels REALLY small when you're standing on the platform. No one ever seems to get off there in the morning, but there are always people there waiting to get on the train to go home at night. Where do they come from?? Most of the action at Van Ness is at the street level. I only use Van Ness station if I am going to get my hair done in Hayes Valley, or going to the Goodwill flagship store. That's right...a flagship store for Goodwill. I guarantee you that it's the largest Goodwill you've ever seen. There's even a cafe inside called "Shakes and Jitters"...which is coincidentally what happens to you if you spend too much time shopping in the Goodwill. There's always homeless guys at the street level selling random items that they "found" (or stole...probably from the Goodwill)...they're nice homeless guys though. I always receive compliments from them like, "Dayyyum, girl...you WAY too much woman for one man to handle. I can help you out wit dat!"...Oh, Van Ness station, you always make a girl feel great about herself. *sigh*


Church
Church Street station is what I like to call "Castro Station's little bitch". Why? Because Church station looks exactly like Castro Station when you are underground, but it is no where near as fabulous as Castro. The motif is brick with orange signs and fairly modern looking, but it will never be Castro. The Church Street station is also known as the "Upper Safeway" station. Why? Because there is a HUGE Safeway supermarket right there once you come above ground. It's also called the "Gay Safeway". It's open 24 hours and it is not uncommon to see several bar revelers picking up deli meat at 3 in the morning. Whatever...I ADORE that Safeway. They have the best produce section and if you're lucky you might even see a drag show. Believe it. I've seen dancing drag queens bust out a "Donna Summer comeback tour review" in the frozen food section after midnight!

Castro
Ah, yes...Castro Street station. The station that all other MUNI stations aspire to be. In the morning it smells like freshly showered men in crisp linens shirts with a hint of designer cologne. It's intoxicating...At night it's the stop where EVERYONE gets off..everyone except those of us "Breeders" who live out in the Sunset. Maybe this is my favorite station because it's the gateway to my favorite neighborhood with my favorite kind of people...maybe it's because there's a HUGE beautiful rainbow flag that waves in the breeze to greet you when you come above ground...maybe it's because the entry way into the station is named, "Harvey Milk Plaza" and there are pictures of Harvey and a plaque dedicated to him...I just always feel better, almost instantly, when I get off at the Castro station. The rainbow flag, the majestic Castro theater, the sex shops, the feeling of freedom and acceptance, the smell coming from Hot Cookie across the street, the naked guys sunning themselves by the flag pole....Honestly, what's NOT to love?

Forest Hill
*YAWN*....Forest Hill is a bore. Period. It feels like you are a mile underground when the train stops at the station. It feels very cavernous and it has an ENDLESS amount of stairs to get up to the street level. Seriously, if the elevators are broken, you're screwed. You will most definitely be late to wherever it is that people go when they get off at Forest Hill. It's also covered in tile...not nice tile, but like public restroom tile. It smells like one too and is often covered in graffiti. No one EVER gets on or off at Forest Hill...well, except for the juvenile delinquents who need to report to their parole officers at the newly built Juvenile Hall, and in that case you can't wait for these trouble makers to shut up, pull their pants up, and get the hell off the train!

West Portal
West Portal is an interesting station. It's half underground and half above ground at street level. It is the "portal to the west" side of the city. It's kind of trippy to see a big hole in the side of the hill that the train comes in and out of. It's also not unheard of to see a car make a wrong turn at the street level and try and drive into the tunnel...even though there are train tracks, flashing lights, and huge signs in English warning you to DO NOT ENTER. This is the stop where the steps inside the train go from platform level to street level...or you better hope they do, because if they don't it's a LONG way down to the street if you have to get off the train. I've seen it. I've seen the doors open at a stop and people literally jump off the train. And once one person does it, everyone else follows...like lemmings jumping off a cliff. I've also seen the train pull into the station at street level and forget to raise the steps to platform level and people step into the open stairwell and face plant themselves on the floor of the train...not unlike walking into an empty elevator shaft...only instead of falling several stories to your death, you fall a few feet onto a bunch of steps where you could die of embarrassment. Coincidentally, West Portal is also the station that I use for the background wall paper on this blog.


So there you have it, the underground Muni stations in a nutshell...and there are soon to be more as the city is building a new underground tunnel going North/South from Giants Stadium into Chinatown...so in the future when the trains are really crowded, you could actually say to someone as the push to get by you, "Hey! Back off! It's not the last boat to China" and actually kind of mean it.

Here's your SAM of the week:

Thanks for riding MUNI,
Yours Truly

The Kindness of Strangers

So, I know I am quite a bit overdue in writing this blog entry, but there has been SO MUCH going on that unfortunately, The MUNIverse & Me has taken a back seat...as in the back seat on the bus...you know...the one that's like a long bench seat that is often covered in sunflower seed shells, graffiti, and old chewing gum...yeah, that back seat. It's not for lack of trying either. This work thing just puts a monkey wrench in my creative writing outlet. Ironic that I work at an art school, isn't it? Nothing like working at an art school to have your creative side stifled by work! Just a warning that this post will be all over the place...there's so much to say and so much to show you that I don't know where to start. But I can't blame it all on work. There has been so much going on at home that nearly everything has taken a back seat. I swear there was a week that went by where I couldn't even remember if I had brushed my teeth that week! Yes, I said 'that week'. So if you read my last post about my dog, Beans, you will know who and what has been taking up all of my time. The good news is that Beans is on the mend, and that means that I can get back to blogging! In that post, you will see the donation page that we set up in an effort to raise money for the outrageous veterinary bills that we were slapped with. We managed to raise almost $2,500!! That's approximately 1,250 MUNI trips!!

Why, oh why, didn't I ever follow my 6 year old dream of becoming a veterinarian? Oh, that's right...I went to college and my 20 year old dream of becoming a businesswoman threw that 6 year old dream down a flight of stairs and locked her in the closet! I blame it all on the 1988 film, 'Working Girl', starring Melanie Griffith...when she still looked like Melanie Griffith and could actually land a leading man like Harrison Ford. She made the working world look so glamourous...glamourous enough to put an extra 'u' in the word, "glamourous"...you know, like the Europeans do... I watched that movie and dreamed of commuting to work when I was an adult...living in the city, riding the train with my briefcase and suits with big shoulder pads...Now she looks like she freebases crack off of a hot waffle iron...hence the sweaty face and over-inflated lips! And my commute to work will likely encounter someone on the train freebasing off of a hot waffle iron...but I digress...back to our fund raising page..We were completely overwhelmed and quite frankly shocked at the amount of money we were able to raise in such a short time. It amazes me that complete strangers will dig deep in their pockets and go out of their way to help a dog they have never met, but other complete strangers won't give up their seat on a bus to a fragile, elderly, blind woman with a cane! I mean, I get it...I love dogs WAY more than people, but I'm not an ass...she's BLIND for crying out loud! She can't even SEE the seat, let alone sit in it! And maybe that's a good thing because she'd probably be more pissed off if she saw WHO was taking up her seat!

So the kindness of strangers has been on my mind lately and I've been more observant of how complete strangers treat each other on MUNI. Now I've been known to get testy if provoked, and if you've read my previous posts you will no doubt know that I'm no angel...not even close. But again, I'm not an ass either. If I see someone with more gray hair than what I have on my head, I get up and offer them a seat. If I see a pregnant woman or a woman holding a baby, I get up. I might even get up and offer my seat up if I see a cute couple who want to sit next to each other. But not some people. They play ignorant to the big blue sign over their head that reads "Under law, these seats must be vacated for elderly or handicapped persons." "Under law"...hmmm...when was the last time the kid with his sagging pants, loud music, neck tattoos, and bag full of Jack-in-the-Box was arrested for NOT giving up his seat? "Under law"?? Doubt it.

Now there has been kindness spotted on MUNI...like the three people that will help the little Asian woman unload her 37 bags of groceries at her stop, or on the extremely rare occasion, the woman who will dig out change from the bottom of her purse because some complete stranger is 16 cents short on the fare. Yes, I've seen it...but it's rare.

In my attempt to be more observant of people over the past few weeks, I was able to record some epic video for you...sadly, it is NOT the kindness of strangers. The first clip is one of the "regulars" on my MUNI route. Notice that he has his drink in hand, is mumbling something unidentifiable, and is apparently too good to wear shoes...for that reason I call him "Shoeless Joe Jackson". I shot this so that you would get an idea of the people I come into contact with on a daily basis:

 Now while this guy wasn't being rude and was just minding his own business, you still want to avoid eye contact or else a lengthy one sided discussion is sure to ensue.

This next video is typical of a Friday night commute home...apparently, the gentleman (and I use that term loosely) did not appreciate getting jostled on a crowded train. Something tells me that it was NOT his first time on MUNI...something also tells me that he picked that day to go off of his medication. Notice the older man on the right who doesn't flinch, the beeping of the doors that want to close, the giggling teenagers in the background, me saying under my breath "oh, seriously?!", and the woman who busts me taking the video at the end of the clip...*WARNING: This clip is rated "R" for strong language...or "R" for "Really?!?"

Now here is someone that I would definitely give my seat up for...Aunt Bea! Now if you remember, I have mentioned her in a previous post. Not sure of her real name, but our regular bus driver asked me where "Aunt Bea" was one day when she missed the bus. I loved that he called her that! One look and she is definitely "Aunt Bea"...and I love that I was able to capture her putting on her lipstick. The same lipstick that seems to be more on her teeth than her lips! She's sweet though, and I wanted you all to meet her:

Ok, so here's your SAM of the week. I honestly can't tell if he's sleeping, or just pretending not to notice all of the "kindness of strangers" going on around him:

Be kind to each other, give up your seat, and thank you for riding Muni!

Yours Truly

Help Save Beans the Corgi!

Hi, All-

I am putting this out there to all of my MUNIverse friends in the hopes that you might be able to help save my dog, Beans the Corgi. For those of you who may not know Beans, let me tell you a little bit about him and our need for help.

Beans is an amazing 6 year old Pembroke Welsh Corgi. He loves to play ball, go to the beach, do tricks (he does a mean high five!), and meet new people. In fact, he has become something of a local celebrity in our neighborhood....probably because he's the only dog in the neighborhood who will carry his own leash when we go for walks. That, and the fact that he will pull me in the direction of the nearest human if there is a slight chance that he can get a belly rub.

I adopted Beans when he was just an 8 week old puppy. I had intended on adopting a red and white female, and when I saw his litter of 8 puppies, he just stood out to me. They say that you don't pick a dog, the dog picks you. Well he picked me that day, fell asleep in the crook of my arm and he has been with me ever since. In our 6 years together, the longest we have been apart was 10 days...and it wasn't easy!

We've gone on many a camping trip and long road trips up to Oregon so that my mom can see her "Grand-dog". The bond I have with Beans is like no other I have ever had with a pet. We just "get" each other. When I'm down, he knows it and is quick to comfort me with a lick to my face or just simply laying next to me. We have seen each other through some difficult times...kennel cough when he was a puppy, a torn dew claw, apartment moves, deaths in the family and my divorce two years ago.Without him by my side, I'm not sure I could have come through everything as well as I did.

This week, we had our worst nightmare come true. Beans literally went from being a happy, seemingly healthy little guy to being a parapleigic overnight! He was diagnosed with Intervertebral Disk Disease (IVDD). We aren't really sure how it happened, but Tuesday morning when we went to go for our walk, he couldn't move and was dragging his back legs behind him. We rushed him to our local vet who took x-rays and determined that he had some sort of back injury. After giving us medication and having us confine him to a crate, she referred us to a Neurologist.

We went to see the neurologist, where we received some pretty upsetting news. He has ruptured disks in his back and he needs surgery right away to help him walk again. With the surgery, there is a 90% chance of recovery. Without it, his chances are 50/50. Of course, we want to opt for the surgery. However, we were given an estimate of anywhere from $4,993.78 on the low end, to $5,952.78 on the high end. This is why we are asking for your help!

We are responsible pet owners and have VPI Pet Insurance. However, VPI requires that all costs be paid up front, then have you submit a claim form, and may or may not cover the cost. When I spoke with VPI, given the diagnosis, they quoted me about $1,200 in coverage. We would still be short. Now, we have looked into credit cards, etc. but due to our financial situation and my recent divorce, we just can't swing it. Currently, I am the only one in the household bringing in a steady income and trying to support myself, my boyfriend, and little Beans....all while living in one of the most expensive cities in the country. Something has to give.

Without surgery, Beans could recover on his own, but there is no guarantee. Without surgery, he will most likely develop bladder issues and infections since he can not control his bladder and we are forced to "express" his bladder for him at least 3 times a day. This would just make his situation worse.

The only other option would be to put him down. He is only 6 and still has a lot of life left in him and sparkle in his eyes....the thought of doing this is too heartbreaking to bear.

We are good people who have a great dog and don't want to lose him simply because we cannot afford medical treatment. That being said, we are looking into other alternative options (other surgeons, holistic care, and possibly a wheel cart if the surgery doesn't happen). Your donation (no matter how little) will go directly to his care....I would then like to take whatever we raise and pay it forward so that no one else ever has to go through this feeling of helplessness when it comes to saving the life of their pet. I've never done anything like this, but if I don't try to ask for help, then I am doing him a disservice as a pet owner and friend.

Thank you so much for your consideration! (...and thanks for riding MUNI)

Yours Truly

MUNI P's and Q's

Whenever I went anywhere as a small child, I was always hearing the phrase, "Be sure to mind your P's and Q's!". When I heard this, my school-age brain always pictured a plate with peas on it and trying to walk while holding the plate so that none of the peas rolled off onto the floor (as peas tend to do)...hence, "minding my peas". I never could quite wrap my head around what the "q's" were except that they came after the "p's" in the alphabet.  It wasn't until I was well into adulthood that when I heard that phrase again, I realized my mother was trying to be funny and that the "P's and Q's" she was talking about were actually "Please and Thank You's". I've been thinking about this a lot lately while riding MUNI, and realize that more adults should have had a mother like mine!

One would think that if you were raised in any kind of a society where you had to interact with other people, you would come to learn certain social rules if you will....Meaning that the only people who should be ignorant of these social rules would be the ones raised by wolves. And it is more common that you would think...I once had a fascination with researching stories of "feral children". In fact when you type the word "feral" into Google, "feral children" is third on the list in the drop down menu! (You just tried that, didn't you?) Yes, feral children! These are children raised by wolves, bears, cats or other animals in the wild. These children are usually abandoned or victims of some horrible circumstances that led to them being raised in the wild...or like my comic friend, Karen Smyth says, maybe their parents just weren't ready for an indoor baby. Who knows?! My point is that after riding MUNI for 10+ years, it has become apparent that some of my fellow riders were raised by wolves!

While riding MUNI, there are some general social rules that one should adhere to. I probably should have mentioned these from the beginning, I feel the need to outline a few of them now:

1.  MOVE OVER!
-This means, don't hog up the seat next to you with your backpack, pink plastic bags, or moving boxes. I paid my fare and I want a seat! It also means move to the back of the bus so other people can get on. Or, move over on the platform if the arriving train is not the train you intend to board. I realize that there is that inbred feral instinct to remain huddled in a pack, but seriously...MOVE OVER!

2.  GET UP!
-If an elderly blind woman gets on the train, for crying out loud...GET UP!! If a frail little old blind woman doesn't deserve your seat, you sure as hell don't either! The same rule applies for obviously pregnant women...unless you intend on boiling water and ripping up bed sheets on a moving bus, GET UP! Don't sit there reading your book pretending like you "didn't see the sign". Puh-lease!!! You can obviously read, so read the sign above your head that says "These seats must be vacated for elderly or handicapped riders". So unless your "feral instincts" have taken over and you have peed on the seat to claim your territory, GET UP!

3. DON'T BE A PIG!
-This rule should probably be top of the list...anyhow, here goes...don't litter, "accidentally" drop your newspaper under the seat, leave your beer bottles to roll around on the floor, or leave remnants of your lunch on the seat next to you. Unlike wolves, you have opposable thumbs...use them, hold onto your trash, and dispose of it properly.

4.  DON'T BE A PIG! (Part deux in 3D)
-MUNI is no place to conduct your personal hygiene matters. This goes for clipping your nails (both finger and toes!), don't brush your hair, put on makeup, blow snot rockets, spit on the floor, or brush your teeth! Unless your bathroom is on wheels and regularly filled with 50 other people, what makes you feel that this ok?!? I'm guessing it's that "feral need" to attract a mate...you know how certain birds display or preen their feathers (think peacock)...Hmmm...now I'm thinking, "mind your PEAcock and Q's"??

5. MIND YOUR BUSINESS!
-You don't need to look over my shoulder to read the paper or pretend to be reading your own paper while taking sneak peeks at my iPhone to see what game I might be playing and/or what my text messages say. I also think this could apply while listening to your own music...keep your Lady Gaga Superpussy Paparazzi Thundermix Remix to yourself! You have headphones for a reason.

6. RESPECT MY DETERRENTS
-This means that if I have my headphones on, am wearing sunglasses, and reading a book all at the same time, I don't want to be bothered! These are the universal "freak deterrents"...for without them, surely every homeless-high-cracked out-toothless-stinky-could be a tourist-first time rider-full of questions and random small talk-FREAK will seek me out and try to be my new BFF. Even wild animals have deterrents...think skunks!

Keep in mind that these rules apply to buses, trains, trolleys, station platforms, bus stops, and escalators. I've included a few pictures of those who were obviously raised by wolves and not by a lesson teaching pun maker like I was!

This bench easily seats 4 people...but NOT TODAY!

Mind your own BEESWAX, Gramps! The earphones are on and clearly he has reached a new level of Angry Birds that you just wouldn't understand!

While I appreciate the earphones, move that Barney backpack!

Here's your SAM of the week:

Remember to be nice to people and for those of you raising "outdoor babies"...maybe it's time you bring them in. After all, they'll only get in fights with other outdoor babies and get into the garbage.

Thank you for riding MUNI,

Yours Truly

Play Ball!

So as Summer in the City is coming to an end, there are a few glaring things that can not be ignored. One, we've only had about a week's worth of Summer....meaning the mercury actually hit 80 or above in San Francisco....unless 50 and foggy is your idea of Summer. I know, I know...it's blazing hot wherever it is that you live. Put a sock in it! Sorry to be so grumpy, but that's all I've been hearing since April! Two, the throngs of MUNI riders crowded on the station platforms decked out in orange and black in support of their beloved World Champion Giants. Yes, it's baseball season again!

Now although I'm a big sports fan, baseball moves a bit too slow for me to actually watch it on TV. I've always been more of a basketball or hockey kinda gal. So, I'll admit it...I jumped on the Giants bandwagon last year and I challenge you to find me anyone living in the Bay Area who isn't an "A's" fan who didn't! It's great to live in a city when a local team wins a national championship. It's the one thing we can all get behind and the one common denominator for making small talk with the stranger sitting next to you on MUNI...and for that reason alone, I say "GO GIANTS"!!

We San Franciscans are lucky enough to have one of the most beautiful stadiums in all of baseball. The Giants Stadium (I'm sure it has an official name like Starbucks Park or Purina Pet Chow field, but I can't keep up with the ever changing corporate names that adorn our beloved park, so I just call it Giants Stadium) sits right on the water and our home runs are actually called, "splash hits". You can literally sit in the stands and see boats out beyond the outfield waiting for one of these so called, "splash hits" to come their way! They also serve things that other ball parks don't like Gilroy garlic fries, sushi, beef brisket, crab sandwiches, and something called a "ChaCha bowl".

The only problem I have with Giants Stadium (other than the fact that they are always changing their name and that they do not have the Weight Watchers Point Plus Value listed next to every food item on the menu) is that because of its proximity to downtown, most fans take MUNI to get to the games. Now it's fine if it is an afternoon game, but evening games usually mean overly crowded buses and trains during the rush hour home. True that those going to the game are coming inbound  while those of us going home are going outbound, but there are always those amateur riders who can't grasp the concept of one side of the platform being for inbound trains and the other side of the platform being for outbound trains....which worries me when I think of these same people trying to drive on a two way street. Same concept. So because they can't seem to wrap their brains around this, there are always a few who are on the wrong side of the platform and end up going the wrong way, not unlike salmon swimming upstream. Game nights, although crowded, are always a source of frustration and amusement for me. Frustration in that there are four times as many people on the platform...and amusing when I can see that the trains going inbound are just as crowded (if not more so) than the ones going outbound. I get a certain satisfaction when I peer across the platform and see all of those amateur riders decked out in orange and black with the same tired and frustrated looks on their faces as those of my fellow outbound passengers.....it reminds me of a yin yang symbol...perfectly balanced. There might also be a bit of "schadenfreude"  (look it up! or listen to the YouTube clip of the original song from "Avenue Q" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCQGQ5qBQTA&feature=related) on my part as well.

I also love to see the looks on the faces of those Giants fans when they encounter the same creepy riff raff that I'm subjected to on a regular basis. There's the barefoot dreadlocked guy who sleeps on the New Montgomery inbound platform, the toothless woman who is a dead ringer for Janis Joplin (should she have lived to her mid seventies...or maybe she did...I'm just sayin'!) who tells people to "give me a seat", or the guy who dresses in clown makeup every day and wears half...no, make that quarter shirts that barely cover his man boobs! But I guess that maybe it's just conditioning them for seeing the Giants pitching staff...a la "The Long-Haired-Pot-Smoking-Hippie, Timmy Lincecum", Brian "Fear-The-Beard" Wilson, and some guy we just call "MadBum" (Madison Bumgardner). Ah, yes, just another example of why I love this city so much! PLAY BALL!!

 Timmy Lincecum...have another bong hit, Timmy!

Brian Wilson....Love the spandex tuxedo, Bri!

Here's your SAM of the week:

Thank you for riding MUNI,

Yours Truly

I've gone international...and other updates!

Hi, All-

Just wanted to let you know that I was playing around with some of the features of Blogger, (the site that runs this blog) and have enabled the mobile device function. This means all of you out there using iPhones, Droids (I'm looking at you, Angie!), and other smart phones can now access the blog directly from your phone and it will be in mobile format! I also changed the settings so that you can email the blog posts to other people and you can now leave comments without having to register. Pretty cool, huh? Also, check this out....I looked at the statistics of who was looking at the blog and where they are located and found that there were 4 views from Germany (must be those German tourists!!) and 1 from Malaysia! I've gone international!!

I'll be on vacation for the next two weeks so look for a new post in August. Enjoy the rest of your Summer and...

Thank you for riding MUNI!

Yours Truly

Fireworks!

When Summer comes to the city, you can usually count on one thing...well, two things actually...lots of German tourists and fights on MUNI. That's right, fights. There's something about the combination of tourists, heat, holidays, and school being out that always seems to be a recipe for disaster.

Recently, all of these factors collided on Independence Day weekend. Now I'm probably one of the least patriotic people you will ever meet and I haven't seen a good fireworks display (by choice) in several years...due to the aforementioned tourists, heat, holiday hub bub, traffic, crowds and kids out of school. Don't get me wrong, I love this country and am very grateful for all of my rights that I do have...I just don't go around waving a flag or wearing a "Support Our Troops" appliqued sweatshirt. Living in this city has given me a new found patience and tolerance for all people and their rights and freedoms...some more so than others.

Now an occasional altercation isn't anything new to MUNI riders. As I had mentioned in a previous post, all sense of decency and decorum go right out the window when MUNI pulls up to a stop and there is a large crowd waiting to get on. In fact you will often hear a terse, "can you move down?! there's plenty of room!", which will elicit a reply of "I can't move down any farther!"....or "Can you please turn off your cell phone/radio/iPod and/or use some headphones?! No one wants to hear the crap you call music!", which will usually elicit a few "F-bombs".

So you can only imagine how a hot MUNI train filled with tired impatient tourists and the working stiffs who just want to get to their destinations could lead to many a verbal altercation if someone disrupts that commute or acts less than decent. I have to admit, I have been involved in a few of these myself (see the post "True Colors"), but they have never amounted to more than just spouting off...which any local can tell you is par for the course...especially if someone invades your 18" of personal space. But never have I been involved in a physical altercation. Oh I've imagined plenty of them! I've imagined punching people in the neck who refuse to give up their seats to the elderly or ripping the nail clipper out of someone's hands and shoving it up their nose because they wouldn't stop clipping their nails on the bus. So I can easily understand how physical altercations come to fruition.

So it wasn't that big of a shock to me when a brawl broke out between my boyfriend, (we'll call him Tony) and another passenger. Now let me start by saying that Tony is not one to start anything, but he will definitely finish something should someone be in danger or be at the receiving end of some bully. He's also 37 and a bit too old for your average school yard scraps. But it all started when we were just six stops from home and young (17-20 year old) VERY stoned guy (I named him "The Stoner") forced his way onto the already overcrowded rush hour train. Tony and I were standing fairly close to the door and were getting routinely jostled every time someone got on or off the train. Jostling is to be expected. Flat out pushing and shoving will buy you an ass kicking...as The Stoner found out.

As passengers were exiting the train, The Stoner was like a salmon swimming upstream against the tide. When he finally got on, he proceeded to push those around him to try and create room for himself. He didn't discriminate either. He actually pushed an elderly woman so hard that she exited the train at the next stop for fear of further physical abuse. Two stops prior, Tony had actually offered her his arm to hold onto because it was so crowded and she was so frail. Well, when The Stoner got around to pushing Tony, he was taken by surprise when Tony pushed back. A few hard shoves back and forth, and Tony had had enough. In the true WWF style that he had been raised on as a kid, he became Randy "Macho Man" Savage and grabbed The Stoner in a half-nelson and pinned him on the floor. Knowing that Tony can certainly hold his own, I actually found myself in awe just watching the whole thing go down. It always amazes me how witnesses react in these kinds of situations. Some women screamed, some scampered to the front of the train, one guy just stood there holding onto the hand rail, some closed their eyes and pretended it wasn't happening. Those who had scampered to the other end of the train had alerted the driver...who called police...thus bringing the train to a full on stop. Tony had done it. He had become "That Guy". You know...the one who ruins EVERYONE'S commute?! Our train was stopped and other trains had started to back up behind us. Great!  As the scuffle continues, The Stoner is persistently trying to reach into his backpack. Tony then demands, "What are you going to do? Are you going to pull something on me?", to which The Stoner replies, "yeah...a gun!". Great. See, this is one of those freedoms that we are all afforded that I'm not crazy about. NO ONE is crazy about this when you are trapped on a train with a guy who claims to have a gun! It's at this point, that the back door of the train opens to let people on/off....and just like something out of a Schwarzenegger movie, Tony saw his opening and picked The Stoner up by the back of his pants and hurled him out the door onto the street! Which was followed by his backpack being thrown in his general direction as well. This happens not once, but TWICE. Yes, twice. The Stoner gets up off the street and tries to scramble back onto the train and is twice denied by Tony. In true San Francisco fashion, all of the onlookers who previously did NOTHING start cheering for Tony and his heroics. The cops come, pat The Stoner down, find no weapons, decide that he's "not right" and detain him anyway. Tony and I both get interviewed along with a few other passengers and are asked whether or not we want to press charges. We decline and are sent on our way. Wow, and I thought it was going to be another year without fireworks!

Thank you for riding MUNI,

Yours Truly

Here's your SAM of the week:

Al Pacino

So as I had mentioned in my first post, it's really the people that make each MUNI experience unique. Just to be clear, when I say "people", that encompasses everyone from the drivers, fellow riders, neighbors who wait at the bus stop, the buskers playing their instruments in the stations, and any animals that may make their way onto MUNI. Yes, animals.

In my 10 years of riding MUNI, I have shared rides with everything from dogs, cats, birds, rats, live crabs, and chickens. Yes, chickens! While dogs are acceptable as long as they are wearing a muzzle and have paid the $2 fare, other animals are not...which never seems to stop people from bringing the whole pet menagerie on board. Several years ago before San Francisco banned the sale of livestock at the Chinese markets, I was riding the 31 Stockton bus through Chinatown to North Beach. At the time I was working as a nanny (and hating my life!) and this was the most direct, albeit frustrating, route to take to work. Let me set the scene....Chinatown in San Francisco is the largest on the West coast and the second largest behind New York City's Chinatown. It is full of designer knock-off handbags where, for example, you can buy a Coach purse...only it will say "Cooch", and heck for $20 who cares? It is also full of 10 cent tchotchkes (look it up! Urban Dictionary defines it as "a small piece of worthless crap"...I couldn't have said it better myself!) that were made in (you guessed it) China! It is also overrun with Asian people coming from and going to the market. So at any given time at any given bus stop on Stockton, there will be a sea of short black-haired folks with pink plastic bags (everything in Chinatown seems to come with one) pushing, shoving, elbowing, and downright fighting to get on board. Now I played college basketball, and I'll be damned if the best "box out" I ever received wasn't from a 4' 9" octogenarian Asian woman! Literally, you would think that every bus is the last one to or from China! But I digress...So my bus pulls up to a stop on Stockton, and there seemed to be a ruckus coming from the front of the bus. It was apparent that the driver was not going to let someone on. There was indecipherable bickering back and forth when finally the driver announces, "You are not bringing a live chicken on my bus!"...which was followed by the woman holding her chicken by the legs and several swift thuds of her wailing it against the side of the bus until it was no longer "alive". Problem solved.

So to make my trips more entertaining, I like to assign people random names. These are usually the same people that I see at my bus stop everyday or that I encounter on the train on my ride home. For example, there is a little old frumpy lady who lives a block up from me. She is probably 60, but dresses like she is 80 and always has a winter coat on and lipstick on her teeth. She's very sweet and chatty and wears orthopedic shoes. One morning she wasn't at the bus stop, and our usual driver actually asked me, "Hey, where's Aunt Bea?". And so you have it...Aunt Bea. There's also a Russian neighbor who is a mathematician for Kaiser Permanente. He REEKS like garlic. Morning or afternoon. Garlic. Therefore, I have named him "The Garlic Ruskie". There's also Hello Kitty, Captain Stubing, and a woman I just call "Angie" because she is a dead ringer for a former co-worker of mine whose name was Angie. I'm sure you will hear more about them in later posts.

Being a dog lover, I always get a kick out of seeing dogs on MUNI. As I'm waiting for the bus this morning, this woman comes to the bus stop with her cute black and white puppy on a leash...not sure of the breed. Could have been a Cocker Spaniel, but was lower to the ground and had curly fur. It was obvious they were going to get on the bus. It was also obvious that this woman was going to ignore the muzzle policy. Now as I was saying, I like to assign names to my fellow riders...that includes dogs. I love a good dog name. Personally, I think it's hilarious when pets have people names like "Steve" or "Walter". So looking at this puppy, I had already decided that it's owner had probably named it something predictable like "Lucky", "Bandit" or "Pepper". So imagine my surprise when the bus pulls up and the driver says, "Your little friend is going to need a muzzle and you're going to have to pay two dollars for your little friend." The woman begrudgingly put the muzzle on her dog and paid the fare. She settled in next to me and as I reached out to pat her dog I said, "What's his name?". "Al Pacino", she replied. Of course it is. So I "said hello to her little friend". Seriously? Al Pacino? Why didn't I think of that?

Thank you for riding MUNI,

Yours Truly

Here is your SAM of the week:

True Colors

So those of us who live here in San Francisco pretty much know that MUNI runs this city! With over 686,000 riders a day, if something goes wrong we're all screwed. This means forget about arriving to work on time. Your boss may look at his watch when you walk in late, and you only need utter, "MUNI" and all is forgiven. It's just an unwritten rule that "MUNI" is the universally accepted excuse any time you are running late, no matter the time of day or what you may be late for. In the evening this also means forget about those dinner plans you had, picking your kids up from daycare, walking the dog, running errands, etc...You are now in a game of Amazing Race/Survivor where you must figure out how to get where you're going and outwit, outplay, and outlast the other 685,999 riders.

If you're not familiar with how the underground trains run in San Francisco, it is quite simple: one way into downtown, and one way out. That is, only one rail in either direction. So a breakdown six stops from where you are could bring your commute to a screeching halt. This just happened to be the case last night. There were no trains moving in either direction between downtown and the Castro St. station. Every once in a blue moon (or maybe every lunar eclipse since it just so happens to coincide with my story), all hell will break loose and the entire system of underground trains will shut down. That's right, SHUT DOWN! Without warning, reason, or alternative solution...those of us who depend on MUNI to get from point A to point B are left to our own devices to figure out the path of least resistance home...or at least the path of less aggravation.

Now most of you would think, why not just take a cab? When these complete shutdowns occur, cabs become as scarce as an Ivory-Billed Woodpecker (look it up!). Not only are they impossible to find, but the $30 cab fare on top of my $62 monthly MUNI pass is out of the question. So the only options are walking (and let's be real..with these hills? That's not gonna happen!), taking a bus above ground, or succumbing to whatever "alternative" the fine folks at MUNI have come up with. With all trust in MUNI shot at this point, I decided to go it alone and wait for a bus. Waiting for a bus means standing on Market St. with throngs of other people in the afternoon chill and trying to force myself onto an already overcrowded vehicle. Have you ever seen pictures/video from third world countries where there will be like 86 people piled into the back of a truck with people actually sitting on the roof and others holding onto the rear bumper for dear life? Well, it's the same concept on a larger scale. All dignity, politeness, and humanity go right out the window!

So, I'm waiting for the #71L bus. The "L" stands for "Limited" which means it makes fewer stops between downtown and its final destination. You could also call it the "express" bus, but not last night. No. Last night the "L" could have stood for "Lame", "Lazy", or most likely "LOST"! I waited about 50 minutes for the #71L bus that should have come in 3 minutes and never arrived! Oh sure, there were plenty of other buses (see the picture below where there are buses backed up as far as the eye can see), just none that make the arduous hour long trip to the Outer Sunset where I live. The Outer Sunset is exactly what it sounds like...waaaayyyyy out there where the sun sets!

Finally, after much waiting and baring the cold wind I decided to give in and take the MUNI "alternative" which was a shuttle bus from downtown to the Castro St. station. As the shuttle bus approached, I jockeyed for position closest to where the door would open so that I might have a chance to get on board. Once the doors slammed opened, the following exchange took place:

• ME: "Driver, are you going to the Castro?"
• DRIVER: "Where are you trying to go?"
• ME: "Home....to West Portal/Outer Sunset"
• DRIVER: "Well I'm only going as far as the Castro and then you will need to transfer". 
• ME: "Transfer to what? The train or another bus?"
• DRIVER: "UGH...the TRAIN!"
• ME: "I thought the trains were down"
• DRIVER: "They are."
• ME: "How am I going to get on a train if they are DOWN?!?!"
• DRIVER: "They are running from Castro outbound".
• DRIVER: "You can't get on a train down here because they are down and so you need to get on the shuttle bus"
• ME: "That's what I'm trying to DO! OBVIOUSLY I know the trains are DOWN...There's a million people on the street and I've been waiting over an HOUR for a bus!! OBVIOUSLY  no one would ever CHOOSE to wait that long in the cold for something that doesn't come!"

Yes, I unleashed on the driver...I know he's the messenger and that he has a job to do. I know that it wasn't his fault that the whole system got shut down. I know he was probably as tired of repeating the same answer over and over to weary passengers as I was tired of waiting...However, at that moment he was MUNI. I stomped down the aisle and tried to avoid the whispers and sideways glances of my fellow passengers and settled into an empty seat. I put my headphones on (to deter any and all freaks from approaching me) and as if my iPod was picking the perfect song to be a soundtrack for my life at that moment, Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors" started playing. Yes, Cyndi, you (and everyone on the bus) saw my "true colors shining through". Thanks for the guilt trip. I'm not proud of it, Cyndi. But sometimes after a 2 hour and 15 min. commute, "girls just wanna get home"!

Yours Truly


Almost forgot....Here is this week's SAM (Sleeping Asian Man)...enjoy!

Sleeping Asian Men

It is a fact that nearly every Asian man I have ever seen on a MUNI bus or train has been asleep. Yes, even those who are standing up are doing so with their eyes closed. Believe me, I get it...I would relish a trip on the train if I could get in a little snooze now and then, but I'm not taking a chance at missing my stop, missing the weirdos that I could be people-watching, or having my bag stolen....as we are constantly reminded by the overhead announcements of, "while riding MUNI, please keep track of purses and wallets at all times".

Apparently, Asian Men have an uncanny ability to know exactly where they are at all times (even while sleeping) and can spring wide awake when the train pulls up to their stop. Maybe they learn it as children (as most Asian kids on the train are sleeping too) or maybe it's some kind of meditative martial arts?? Asian women on the other hand, well...let's just save that for another post. Anyway, sleeping Asian men are so prevalent on MUNI that I have decided to make them a weekly feature on my blog; that is post a picture of the "Weekly Sleeping Asian Man" (See below)

As you can clearly see, he is definitely sleeping as demonstrated by his open mouth...and the drool that would coincidentally land on his hand...ewww, yes, I know it's gross but so is MUNI.

So it would probably surprise you to hear that I actually had an encounter with an Asian man in the MUNI station yesterday...and he was awake. Granted, we were both off of the train and on the escalator, but it's still MUNI...Anyway, I'm on the escalator standing to the right (as is proper city etiquette) to let those in a hurry fly past on the left and run up the escalator...and I feel someone staring at me from behind. Now, being 6'3" I am definitely no stranger to people staring at me. However, I wasn't in Oakland, so I knew there was no chance of someone staring at my booty...I digress...I turned around and there (on what should have been the courtesy empty step between me and the person behind me) was this ANCIENT Asian man with a toothless grin giving me the "thumbs up" signal and gesturing with his hand in reference to my height. "SOOOO TAAAARR" he exclaimed...which translates to "SOOOO TAAALL". So I gave him the friendly head nod, took a step forward to give me some space, and silently wished that he would just go to sleep.

Thank you for riding MUNI,
Yours Truly

And so it begins...

Well, friends...you asked for it and here it is. This has been a loooooong time coming (mostly because I'm technologically challenged and anything more than email or Facebook hurts my brain), but I'm hoping it will be worth the wait. Obviously, being my first post, I have no freaking clue what I'm doing. I don't read blogs, let alone WRITE one! What I CAN tell you is that I'm planning on sharing all of my wonderful, weird, sad but true MUNI stories with you and will do my best to include photos (when I have the balls to take them)...

After 10 years of living in this most amazing city, I have spent countless hours riding the rails and waiting at bus stops for the next train or bus to get me from point A to point B and places in between. Many of you have seen my Facebook updates and have been asking me for years to put something like this together, so this is for you!

Expect to read updates of my daily commute, share in my frustration, fascination, rants and stories of the people I share my rides with....they are really what it's all about. Let me also tell you...there are some true characters who can only be found in San Francisco!

For those of you who have never had the pleasure (and in most cases, DISpleasure) of riding MUNI and find yourself asking, "What's a MUNI?" (and pronouncing it Moo-knee or Money), well it is the wonderful and supposedly "best public transit system in the world" only found in San Francisco. Oh, and it is pronounced Mew-knee. Coincidentally, Mew Knee, will probably be the name of your driver should you ever pay the $2 fare and hop on board.

Thank you for riding MUNI,
Yours Truly

For more on MUNI: http://www.sfmta.com/cms/ahome/indxabmu.htm