Wonderland

City Hall during Pride weekend

Dude, is 10 cents going to break you?

Wow! Well here we are smack dab in the middle of 2013, and those Mayans were wrong. This post is long overdue and I apologize. It doesn't feel like July...I know you are probably melting in this heatwave and are trying to invent new ways to combat boob sweat where you live, but I just got used to writing 2013 on my checks...ok, seriously, who writes checks anymore?! My point is, this year is flying by! Along with the new year, comes new laws...such as: you must obtain proper permits in San Francisco if you are cooking baked goods in your house which contain meat, and are then selling these items to the public. Well so much for my venison cupcake franchise! Now San Francisco is known for some really great laws such as no single-use plastic bags and charging 10 cents a bag for paper bags.

Old naked guys at Bay to Breakers

There's also the "no sit/lie" law which is supposed to keep the homeless people from camping out on the street, but apparently the homeless don't have cable, high speed internet, or a subscription to the San Francisco Chronicle because they seem to be completely unaware of it. There's also the newly passed "No Public Nudity" law. That's right. All this time I could have been rocking out with my "hoo-ha" out right in the middle of Union Square in front of Macy's....but noooooo, I just assumed it was illegal. I clearly missed the boat on that one! Well, being San Francisco, a law like that wasn't going to go down without a fight...so district representative, Scott Wiener (I swear I couldn't make that up!), who proposed the law, amended it so that you can still get naked in public, but only at street fairs, festivals, the infamous Bay to Breakers race, and Gay Pride. And since there is almost one of these things going on every weekend, you can still get your freak on should you feel the need. I'm all for habeas corpus, but why is it always the old guy who has to be naked, and not the cute boy that makes salads at the deli??

Douchey hipster

Now if you live in the City, you could easily come up with half a dozen things that should be law on a daily basis...such as: No walking 4 people across on a sidewalk, no more than one Starbucks within a two block radius, no wearing Lulu Lemon yoga pants to work and trying to pass them off as "professional", and no handlebar mustaches...especially when paired with a quirky tattoo of the aforementioned mustache!
 I'm sure there's a whole other set of laws that we could devise for MUNI. Such as the following:

Oh, go right ahead sir...make yourself at home!

No, no...it's ok. I can stand the WHOLE way to work while you apply your bronzer!

I say no more than 2 clashing patterns allowed in one outfit, but hey...I'm not the fashion police.

Probably the biggest and best law that has been passed was the striking down of the DOMA and Prop 8 laws last week. Every so often in life, you happen to realize that you are in the exact right place at the exact right time when history is made...and for me, that was being in THIS city at THAT time. Knowing that at long last my friends, co-workers, and neighbors (and half the people in this city) all have the same rights that I do, is truly humbling and heartwarming. Also the thought of all those fabulous gay wedding receptions (think Celine Dion) did get me a bit excited, I can't lie.

A newlywed couple in the Pride parade.

 I recently took a trip back to the East Coast, and was reminded by a few friends and fans that I have not posted in a really long time and that they actually enjoy these posts. Who am I to let down my fans? It's not that I don't like posting to this blog; quite the opposite. I LOVE this blog! The problem is that my brain is constantly thinking of topics for a blog post that nothing seems to come to fruition....it just turns into a random spewing of my stream of consciousness, and sometimes it's funny.

Blueberry Beer! I know!!!

As I mentioned, I just got back from a trip to the East Coast where I indulged myself in "lobstah for dinnah" nearly every day and had a "wicked nice view of the habah" from my hotel room. After enduring what felt like the longest flight in my life (I swear I thought the captain was going to come on the intercom and say that we would soon be landing in Qatar, Uzbekistan, or some other really far away place!) we found ourselves in Boston. Boston is a city rich in American history and tradition and it just has a welcoming feel to it...like any local you meet on the street would be happy to direct you to the nearest bar and buy you a drink...and by "local" I mean one of the preppy frat boys that seem to appear in throngs around every corner. Now you would think that my favorite part of our time in Boston would have been the bar hopping and blueberry beer...and you might be right!

...Or maybe it was being in the midst of all the locals during the Stanley Cup Playoffs...seriously, they put hockey jerseys on their statues! Statues of basketball heroes nonetheless!

Red Auerbach, basketball Hall of Fame coach

Charlie Card for riding the T

But honestly, one of the best moments I had in Boston was riding the "T". The "T" is Boston's version of MUNI....only different. (Don't ask me why it's called the "T". I'm just telling people it has something to do with that massive Tea Party way back when). A few of the glaring differences would be: instead of Clipper Cards, they use Charlie Cards. Charlie? Who the hell is Charlie?! And, two people can use the SAME Charlie Card! This would cause all kinds of problems in San
Francisco. Guess those Bostonians are just a bit more refined and conservative than us San Franciscans. Also, all of the seats on the "T" face inward towards the center aisle, whereas Muni has seats facing all directions...front, back, and sideways. Again, it just seemed like the "T" with it's perfectly facing seats was mocking those of us from the West Coast with our seats all "willy nilly". Also, there's no graffiti. None. Not one tag, one scratched up window, phone number, sticker, or burn mark scrawled into a seat. Nothing. It felt like we were on the Monorail at Disneyland.  For those of you keeping score, it is now T-3 and MUNI-0. Anyway, as the blue line pulled up to the Airport station and we were about to board, I couldn't help but notice the sign on the front of the train said, "Wonderland".

Now I don't know about you, but Wonderland sounds a whole hell of a lot better than Embarcadero or Balboa Park....who WOULDN'T want to go to Wonderland? Just the name conjures up visions of Alice chasing the rabbit down the hole and the Red Queen, Mad Hatter, and the Tweedle brothers...Dee and Dum. Seriously. WONDERLAND!?! Visions of Willy Wonka, Disneyland, Oz, Target sales racks, and margaritas danced in my head....you know...all the things I LOVE! It's enough to make you day dream on the train and almost miss your stop! Alas, we were NOT going to Wonderland, but to Government Center.  Government Center doesn't sound too appealing when compared to Wonderland...I just pictured George Bush, Hillary Clinton, Dick Cheney, Michelle Obama and that fat governor from New Jersey having their own version of the "Boston Massacre". It brought back memories of Mr. Bolduc's High School social studies class and having to memorize the different branches of government and their functions....yuck! My response to those test questions was always the same..."What does the Legislative branch of the government do?"...."Um, nothing?"...."Ok, well than what does the Judicial branch of the government do?"...(again)..."Um, nothing?". Hey, as a kid, you always hear adults saying that the government doesn't do anything, and you take that for the truth! Who was I to argue? Anyway, we disembarked at Government Center and were immediately aware that this was NOT Wonderland. The station felt very claustrophobic with its low ceilings covered in pipes and wires and the thick humid air that just clung to you as you ascended the 3 flights of stairs to fresh air. So now the score is T-3 and MUNI-1. That's one thing that we have going for us...decent MUNI stations with escalators! While we found our way to a local seafood restaurant and a couple rounds of Shipyard beers, I couldn't help but dream about what was at the end of the line in Wonderland.

After being home in New England, I couldn't help but realize how far away I had gone. Friends said, "Oh, I want to live your life!" and "It must be so amazing to live in San Francisco" or "I just love your posts about The MUNI"...(I don't bother to correct them and say, "It's not The MUNI. It's just MUNI...and it pronounced Mew-knee not MOO-knee). Oh sure, I live such a glamorous life in the big city paying more for rent than what most of my friends pay for a mortgage with 10 acres of land...and when was the last time they had a homeless woman blow a snot rocket in their direction while they were waiting in line to get lunch? Looking around at the lobster boats, seaweed covered rocks, and pine trees I couldn't help but long for those days of familiarity, community, and a quieter way of life. It didn't take long for someone to pipe up and say, "Yeah, but could you stand the Wintah?!". That remains to be seen. My response was, "Yeah, but could you stand MUNI, earthquakes, homelessness, naked people, no back yard, no parking....?" Seems that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence (or country in this case) but it's just as hard to mow. I guess we all just have to make our own "Wonderland", wherever that might be....but I can't help but wonder what the grass is like in Wonderland?

Wonderland Station

Here's your SAM:

Apparently he's praying for someone to steal his iPhone 4 so that he can get an upgrade!

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